Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Archive for July, 2015

Trapped

Last night I dreamt of you
Holding my hand
And holding my heart
You’re the kind of guy
I’d wait forever for

In each other’s company
We did not wish to part
You could not let me go
As you lingered for an excuse

I held on as long as I could
I didn’t want you to go
As much as you didn’t want to leave

But in the morning I woke with a start
Jolting from this jaded reality
Still tasting your memory on my lips
Still feeling your arms wrapped tightly around me
Clinging to its remnants

Is such a love lasting?
Is such a love worthwhile?
Am I in love with novelty?
Or am I just lonely?

Do you wake in the night
Gazing into nothing
Thinking and dreaming
Of what we could be?

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A Lesson in Life

They all sat facing forward. A formless black mass. Their heads bowed in prayer as I made my way down the aisle. A few lifted their eyes to catch a glimpse, wondering who I was and how I dared to come so late. I took my seat at the front, next to a woman I presumed to be his wife. I set my little boy on my lap and faced forward. The woman, not much older than myself, looked over at me startled.

“Who are you?” she whispered.

“I think you know who I am,” I returned.

“These seats are reserved for family and close friends,” she hissed.

“Does the mother of his child count as such?” I returned.

She glowered at me, but said nothing. I knew her type. She wouldn’t make a scene here, but in the privacy of a sound proof room, she’d let me have it.

We endured the ceremony sitting next to one another. I watched as she rose to give her eulogy to him.

“…He was a great man who was loved by all. But most of all, he was a man who loved life and all it had to offer him…” she finished.

With that everyone rose and began filing out into the reception area. The mood had lightened. Now they were to celebrate his life. The man that he had been. I was probably going to get a talking to, but what did I care?

I rose, following the others into the reception area. She followed close behind.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed.

“I have every right to celebrate the man he was-” I started.

“No,” she said cutting me off, “Not until I’ve had a word with you.”

“Why?” asked the little boy in my arms, “What has mama done?”

“Why don’t you go and play with the other…others while I talk to your mother?” she said with a forced smiled.

“Why did you bring a child to a funeral, are you insane?” she hissed.

“Stop being mean to my mama!” he said loudly, catching the attention of several guests.

“Shh, Adrian, it’s alright,” I said reassuringly.

He frowned, “But she’s being mean. You always said to stand up to bullies. She’s a bully!”

“I know baby, but let mama talk to her. Maybe she has something worthwhile to say,” I said.

“Damn straight I have something worthwhile to say. Get. The. FUCK. out,” she said enunciating each word.

“I thought I’d just come and meet you,” I shrugged, “I didn’t have to, but I thought it’d be the civil thing to do.”

“Well leave. You’ve outstayed your welcome,” she snarled.

I shrugged and walked in amongst the guests, losing myself in the crowd. He had touched so many people’s lives in his life time it was only right to have so many well wishers at his funeral.

I chatted with a few of the guests, all of them too polite to breach the subject of my relationship with him. From a distance I saw a young couple looking at us curiously. They seemed like interesting people and I approached them.

“Hello,” I said with a smiled, “My name is Brienne. This is Adrian. Thank you so much for coming today.”

“Hello, I’m Marcie and this is Luke,” introduced Marcie, “So how do you know Caleb?”

“We were high school sweethearts,” I answered, “Circumstances drew us apart…and then together again. But as luck would have it, he was already married.”

“So…Adrian is-” started Luke.

I nodded.

“Aren’t you a little young to have a child?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I suppose.”

“Do you mind me asking…when?” asked Marcie awkwardly, “I mean, Luke and I want…to have kids, but we’re kinda young too…”

I smiled, “I had Adrian when I was eighteen. That’s what initially drew us apart. But when Caleb discovered his wife was…how do I put this delicately, unable to provide what he wanted most in life, he came running straight back to me. You see, years ago, he just wanted to have fun. He wasn’t in it for a seriously relationship or committed to providing for a child.”

Marcie looked at Luke who nodded, taking her hand in his.

“Thank you Brienne…you’ve given us something to think about as we prepare for our life together. We’re so sorry for your loss,” murmured Luke.

I nodded drifting away again.

“A lot of people liked daddy didn’t they?” asked Adrian.

I nodded and said, “But you must know, daddy loved you most of all.”

Prompt: “Aren’t you a little young to have a child”

Self Torture

It’s easy to tell your mind
Stop thinking these thoughts
It’s easy to reason with logic
And dismiss them as irrational

But the disconnect
Between heart and mind
Has caused me more troubles
Than it’s worth

I think and overthink
Until I don’t even know what the truth is anymore
I want to be loved
As I am loving you

I can’t blame you  for my insecurities and lapses
I only have myself to hold for that
But can you even love me
When you’ve seen how damaged I am inside
Will you abandon me
As so many others have before?

Why is it so hard for me to just tell you I love you?
Because maybe I’m afraid
Afraid that I’ll be hurt again
Afraid that you’ll laugh at me
Just like the others did

Maybe I should stop torturing myself
With these senseless mind games
And ask you how you feel

Quote

“In writing, I forget, for a brief moment, how lonely I am.” -MoiraSterling (Alcina Fong)

Just the One

Every time
It’s been just the one
After one
We never talk again

I want to be friends
But I don’t need to be more
I felt no chemistry
When together we were

But just this once
Please let you be the one
Let things work out between you and me
Let the love we know to be there
Grow and flourish
Let us nurture these feelings
We both have for each other

Say what you want
Say what you will
You can say that I mean nothing to you
But I know that those actions
Will always mean more than your words
The feel of your embrace
Still pressing in my mind

I want to hold you again
Feel your arms wrapped tightly around
Knowing that you’ll always be there
By my side
When I have no one else

You’re not the kind I go for
But I’m falling for you so hard and fast
No one understands me
Quite the way you do

All my world’s a mess
What once was right is wrong
And what was wrong is right

You follow your dreams
But are stuck like me
We can share a future
I wonder what it will be

Love with You

When I’m with you
I feel no heart palpitations
My breath does not come in gasps
My hands are still and dry
I do not worry about what you think of me

When I’m with you
I feel utterly calm
No anxiety
No agitation
Only knowing that I’ll be safe by your side

When I’m with you
Everything comes naturally
A hug
A kiss
And maybe something more

But each brush of the hand
Each smile
Each time our eyes meet
Doesn’t send my head up through the clouds
But it makes me happy in knowing
That I have your love
That I am in your mind
As you are in my heart

Inspiration: “The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

Quote

“Love and Hate are my greatest inspiration.” -MoiraSterling (Alcina Fong)

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