Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Archive for July, 2015

Trapped

Last night I dreamt of you
Holding my hand
And holding my heart
You’re the kind of guy
I’d wait forever for

In each other’s company
We did not wish to part
You could not let me go
As you lingered for an excuse

I held on as long as I could
I didn’t want you to go
As much as you didn’t want to leave

But in the morning I woke with a start
Jolting from this jaded reality
Still tasting your memory on my lips
Still feeling your arms wrapped tightly around me
Clinging to its remnants

Is such a love lasting?
Is such a love worthwhile?
Am I in love with novelty?
Or am I just lonely?

Do you wake in the night
Gazing into nothing
Thinking and dreaming
Of what we could be?

A Lesson in Life

They all sat facing forward. A formless black mass. Their heads bowed in prayer as I made my way down the aisle. A few lifted their eyes to catch a glimpse, wondering who I was and how I dared to come so late. I took my seat at the front, next to a woman I presumed to be his wife. I set my little boy on my lap and faced forward. The woman, not much older than myself, looked over at me startled.

“Who are you?” she whispered.

“I think you know who I am,” I returned.

“These seats are reserved for family and close friends,” she hissed.

“Does the mother of his child count as such?” I returned.

She glowered at me, but said nothing. I knew her type. She wouldn’t make a scene here, but in the privacy of a sound proof room, she’d let me have it.

We endured the ceremony sitting next to one another. I watched as she rose to give her eulogy to him.

“…He was a great man who was loved by all. But most of all, he was a man who loved life and all it had to offer him…” she finished.

With that everyone rose and began filing out into the reception area. The mood had lightened. Now they were to celebrate his life. The man that he had been. I was probably going to get a talking to, but what did I care?

I rose, following the others into the reception area. She followed close behind.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed.

“I have every right to celebrate the man he was-” I started.

“No,” she said cutting me off, “Not until I’ve had a word with you.”

“Why?” asked the little boy in my arms, “What has mama done?”

“Why don’t you go and play with the other…others while I talk to your mother?” she said with a forced smiled.

“Why did you bring a child to a funeral, are you insane?” she hissed.

“Stop being mean to my mama!” he said loudly, catching the attention of several guests.

“Shh, Adrian, it’s alright,” I said reassuringly.

He frowned, “But she’s being mean. You always said to stand up to bullies. She’s a bully!”

“I know baby, but let mama talk to her. Maybe she has something worthwhile to say,” I said.

“Damn straight I have something worthwhile to say. Get. The. FUCK. out,” she said enunciating each word.

“I thought I’d just come and meet you,” I shrugged, “I didn’t have to, but I thought it’d be the civil thing to do.”

“Well leave. You’ve outstayed your welcome,” she snarled.

I shrugged and walked in amongst the guests, losing myself in the crowd. He had touched so many people’s lives in his life time it was only right to have so many well wishers at his funeral.

I chatted with a few of the guests, all of them too polite to breach the subject of my relationship with him. From a distance I saw a young couple looking at us curiously. They seemed like interesting people and I approached them.

“Hello,” I said with a smiled, “My name is Brienne. This is Adrian. Thank you so much for coming today.”

“Hello, I’m Marcie and this is Luke,” introduced Marcie, “So how do you know Caleb?”

“We were high school sweethearts,” I answered, “Circumstances drew us apart…and then together again. But as luck would have it, he was already married.”

“So…Adrian is-” started Luke.

I nodded.

“Aren’t you a little young to have a child?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I suppose.”

“Do you mind me asking…when?” asked Marcie awkwardly, “I mean, Luke and I want…to have kids, but we’re kinda young too…”

I smiled, “I had Adrian when I was eighteen. That’s what initially drew us apart. But when Caleb discovered his wife was…how do I put this delicately, unable to provide what he wanted most in life, he came running straight back to me. You see, years ago, he just wanted to have fun. He wasn’t in it for a seriously relationship or committed to providing for a child.”

Marcie looked at Luke who nodded, taking her hand in his.

“Thank you Brienne…you’ve given us something to think about as we prepare for our life together. We’re so sorry for your loss,” murmured Luke.

I nodded drifting away again.

“A lot of people liked daddy didn’t they?” asked Adrian.

I nodded and said, “But you must know, daddy loved you most of all.”

Prompt: “Aren’t you a little young to have a child”

Self Torture

It’s easy to tell your mind
Stop thinking these thoughts
It’s easy to reason with logic
And dismiss them as irrational

But the disconnect
Between heart and mind
Has caused me more troubles
Than it’s worth

I think and overthink
Until I don’t even know what the truth is anymore
I want to be loved
As I am loving you

I can’t blame you  for my insecurities and lapses
I only have myself to hold for that
But can you even love me
When you’ve seen how damaged I am inside
Will you abandon me
As so many others have before?

Why is it so hard for me to just tell you I love you?
Because maybe I’m afraid
Afraid that I’ll be hurt again
Afraid that you’ll laugh at me
Just like the others did

Maybe I should stop torturing myself
With these senseless mind games
And ask you how you feel

Quote

“In writing, I forget, for a brief moment, how lonely I am.” -MoiraSterling (Alcina Fong)

Just the One

Every time
It’s been just the one
After one
We never talk again

I want to be friends
But I don’t need to be more
I felt no chemistry
When together we were

But just this once
Please let you be the one
Let things work out between you and me
Let the love we know to be there
Grow and flourish
Let us nurture these feelings
We both have for each other

Say what you want
Say what you will
You can say that I mean nothing to you
But I know that those actions
Will always mean more than your words
The feel of your embrace
Still pressing in my mind

I want to hold you again
Feel your arms wrapped tightly around
Knowing that you’ll always be there
By my side
When I have no one else

You’re not the kind I go for
But I’m falling for you so hard and fast
No one understands me
Quite the way you do

All my world’s a mess
What once was right is wrong
And what was wrong is right

You follow your dreams
But are stuck like me
We can share a future
I wonder what it will be

Love with You

When I’m with you
I feel no heart palpitations
My breath does not come in gasps
My hands are still and dry
I do not worry about what you think of me

When I’m with you
I feel utterly calm
No anxiety
No agitation
Only knowing that I’ll be safe by your side

When I’m with you
Everything comes naturally
A hug
A kiss
And maybe something more

But each brush of the hand
Each smile
Each time our eyes meet
Doesn’t send my head up through the clouds
But it makes me happy in knowing
That I have your love
That I am in your mind
As you are in my heart

Inspiration: “The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

Quote

“Love and Hate are my greatest inspiration.” -MoiraSterling (Alcina Fong)

Loving another

Cold mornings like these make me think of you
Of waking up
Going out
And running straight into the warmth of your embrace

We hid it from the world
In the comfort of your bower

I’ll never forget the way you loved me
Protected and sheltered me from harm

But now
Where have you gone?
Those days of loving exchanges
Have all but faded from my memory
Where are your sweet honeyed words
That used to give me so much comfort?

Now the breath I see before me
In the cold autumn air
Crystallizes into another
Whose face I may contort
With the pleasures
That once were yours

Restaurant Review: Charcut

Location: 101, 899 Centre Street SW
Website: http://www.charcut.com

After nearly four years of talking about it, my best friend and I finally got around to going to Charcut. We first heard about Charcut while watching competitor Connie Desousa compete on Top Chef Canada. I really wanted her to win and considering her skills in the kitchen, I’d say she was, at least in my books.

My sister and a friend of hers went a couple days earlier and got the $25 and the $15 Lunch all at Once respectively. The $25 option included a mixed green salad (she said it was arugula) with house vinaigrette, daily rotisserie “spit-roasted and smoked” (she said it was pork), parmesan fries and a bag of warm cookies (two cookies) and a coffee to go (she got an Earl Gray Tea). Her friend had the Charcut daily soup (my sister can’t remember what it was but said it sounded weird but tasted good), a crostini, the daily sandwich on focaccia (again, she didn’t know what kind of sandwich), kitchen pickles, parm fries and a bag of warm cookies. The dishes were served on a wooden board, giving it a really rustic feel. And from what I gleaned about Connie from Top Chef, I’d say that was consistant with who she was as a person (also the website said they were aiming for rustic, so I guess they’re spot on).

Seeing these dishes reinforced my want to go there and try out the food. So today, on my day off in the middle of a week for the first time in a long time. We arrived at about 11:45 am and asked if we had reservations, which we did not. They responded that the main restaurant was full so we had the choice of sitting at the bar or in the hotel lounge. Neither option sounded all that appealing, but I figured the lounge would be more comfortable than the bar, but I let my friend decide. She ultimately chose the lounge, which worked out for me. I normally don’t like sitting at the bar because the bar stools are oddly uncomfortable and I have a tendency to fall off or do something stupid. We were seated in the lounge with random hotel guests milling about, sitting around us while we perused the menu. Being the indecisive person I am, I looked over the menu before hand and decided on a roasted garlic meatball sandwich with Quebec cheese curds, Sunday gravy and parm fries. Even after previewing the menu, my friend still had no idea what she wanted, but at last minute decided on the country sausage, slow cooked served with caramelized onions and a fresh baked brioche. It was one of the options that I had been considering so I couldn’t wait to see and taste it. When she ordered it, the waiter said that the sausage was a bit hot and I wondered what to expect.

The wait time was not unreasonable, but sitting in the hotel lounge was a bit odd. We had a lot of natural light and could see the Calgary tower relatively unobstructed from where we were seated, but the table height wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t cross my legs (probably shouldn’t anyways), my napkin was pinned to my lap, and had to bend over substantially to eat. My first thought when I saw my sandwich was, “how the heck do I eat this?” Then I looked up and saw my friend’s lunch and thought, “What the heck is that?!” We both stared at it for a good minute before the waiter came over and was about to ask how everything was when he saw her plate and was like “Wow…what is-I’ve never seen this before.” We all had a good laugh.

My first impression of my sandwich was that I wanted it to be more garlicky, but I feel like that may be more to do with my liking for garlicky foods than anything. I can understand why they wouldn’t want it to be more garlicky (bad breath mainly). After a few more bites, I found that it needed more Sunday gravy and figured that’s why they gave me a whole bowl of it to dip into if I needed more. The Quebec cheese curds didn’t squeak, which was disappointing, but they were so beautifully stringy and chewy that it didn’t even matter. The parm fries were simply that: fries with grated parmesan sprinkled over it. I had expected something closer to poutine or at least melting the parmesan and drizzling them on. They went great with the tomato jam, a great alternative to ketchup. It was sweeter than ketchup in someways, but the seasoning was spot on. And the kitchen pickle was really good too. But overall, I felt as though everything had a sweet undertone that eventually became unbearable. The more I ate of my sandwich, the heavier it felt and I would have really like to have had something a little bit more acidic to contrast and balance out the meal. In the last quarter of my sandwich I just took out the insides and ate them. I would not recommend this sandwich to anyone who is going out for lunch with their boss. It is very messy. I got gravy stuck under my nails somehow and that was a pain to get out. Surprisingly I finished everything else resulting in me being full until dinner and not really eating much because I was still full.

For the country sausage, I have no words. The skinny longness of it is not really that aesthetically appealing. Especially since it kinda curled under the plate. And then the brioche looked like a tiny, out of place pyramid in contrast to the length of the sausage. Caramelized onions are always delicious so I’m not gonna say anything about that, but the “hot” sausage was not hot at all and it was a lot drier than I expected, but maybe because I was thinking of the normally oily, fat saturated breakfast sausages and this was not what it was.

We didn’t end up getting dessert because I wasn’t really interested in getting cookies or any of the other desserts they offered (cheese cake and pudding).

Overall, this restaurant did not disappoint. However, though initially I complained about things being a little too sweet, it turns out that there was a lot of salt used too since I was constantly thirsty afterwards. I know now that this palate isn’t really to my taste. I’m not saying it’s bad in anyway, but I prefer something less rustic. Our waiter was very attentive and that was reflected in his tip. I’m happy to say that this place has had much better service than a lot of the places I’ve been to, so I’d have to rate it 3.5/5

Charcut exterior

Charcut exterior

Charcut Restaurant Interior

Charcut Restaurant Interior (sister)

Charcut Interior-Hotel Lounge

Charcut Interior-Hotel Lounge

Cream Soda (sister's trip)

Cream Soda (sister)

Black Cherry Cola

Black Cherry Cola

Charcut 15

Charcut 15 (sister)

Charcut 25

Charcut 25 (sister)

Country sausage

Country sausage

Roasted Garlic Meatball sandwich

Roasted Garlic Meatball sandwich

Holding out

I keep telling myself
I’m holding out
For a miracle
For a better opportunity to come along
For true love

But is it true to say
That things like that were never meant for me?
Is it true to say
That I was destined for something bigger?
Something better?

I can’t see
For I can’t know
What fate has in store for me

I know that I am stronger than hoping for things to fall into my lap
But in my moments of weakness
I wish that there was someway
An easy way
To keep on living on in this world I’d like to see burn

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