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Posts tagged ‘pain’

Goodbye

Warning: Mature content.  This is a work of pure fiction.  Any resemblance to real life is unintentional.  It is based on a fear I’ve always had.

They say she lost control of the car.  It wasn’t impossible.  The roads were covered with freshly fallen snow.  The wet, slushy kind.  They say she died instantly.  That she felt no pain.  That there was no time for her to register what had happened.  Just like that she was gone.

People say she had such a great life ahead of her.  That it was a shame that her talent was now forever lost.  No would could ever hold a candle to her.  Not now.  Not ever.  A prodigy.  A genius.  Only one of her in all of history.

But people didn’t know her.  Not really.  She was the type of girl who got whatever she wanted.  When she set her mind to it, it was hers.

And as hard as it was to believe, she had wanted this.

***

Her name was Eleanor.  His name was Kieran.  They were as in love as anyone could be.  Eleanor had found everything she ever wanted in a man.  While he had his moments, he was still the love of her life.

Then everything changed.  Kieran had been working as a mechanic for years.  He was sick of the work, sick of the people, just sick of it all.  So he quit.  It was the best decision he had ever made.  Or so he thought.  Eleanor worried that they would be financially screwed by his decision, but she had never seen him so happy.  So she told herself she would work twice as hard to support the both of them until he was able to find himself a new job, a job he loved.

Months passed by and things between them became more and more strained.  Her finances were beginning to suffer, but that didn’t make her love him less.  Rather, it made her love him more.  But she could see that it was taking a toll on him.  And as a result, he became more and more distant from her.  Cold.  Refusing to show her affection.  Sleeping elsewhere instead of next to her in bed and when he did come to bed, he didn’t touch her.  He didn’t want to engage with her.  He had nothing to say to her.  Not anymore.  In his eyes, he was not a man.  What man could not provide for his family?  He took his frustrations out on her.  The one person who loved him more than her own life.

Finally, he stumbled across a job working in security.  He had always wanted to go to the police academy or law enforcement, but he wasn’t exactly academic minded and didn’t feel like he was ready to compete against those who were more focused than he.  So he took this as a stepping stone into the career he wanted.

There he met some girls.  They worked at the place he was acting as security for.  One in particular caught his attention.  Her name was Madison.  She was petite and cute and knew her way around guys.  She had him twisted around her little finger and Eleanor could see it.  But Kieran couldn’t.  Kieran never believed for one moment that Madison had him in his sights, that she had intentions for him.  She did everything she could to seduce him and he fell for it all.  To Kieran, Eleanor was becoming more erratic, more emotional, and he had had enough.  But he strongly believed in being loyal to the one he was with and Eleanor had no intention of breaking it off with him.

One week, she went away to visit a friend abroad, unaware of the feelings that were growing inside Kieran.  Feelings that were no longer for her.  She received a message halfway through the week: We have to talk.  For the rest of the week, a cold fear gripped her heart.  What in the world could Kieran want to talk about?  He was the kind of guy who wouldn’t talk about serious matters over the phone or via text.  This had to be serious.

He picked her up from the airport as promised and they went for dinner.  They hadn’t gone out for dinner for a very long time.  It was his way of controlling her.  She was never the type to make a fuss in public.  She would have tried to control her emotions.  He knew that.

“Ellie…I know that things have been rough for the last few weeks…and I know we decided that we had to take a break from each other, but do you ever think that maybe we don’t belong together?” started Kieran.

“Kir, of course I have.  But regardless of what happens, I think we can work through it.  We’re a partnership, which means I have your back and you have mine.  Is there something going on that you want to tell me about?” Eleanor returned.

Kieran shook his head.   He wasn’t going to be the one who broke up with her.  If she wasn’t happy, he knew she would do it.

“Then I don’t know what the problem is.  I love you more than anything in the world.  I would do anything to make this work.  Do you think we don’t belong together?” asked Eleanor.

Kieran shook his head again, “Look, first and foremost, you are my friend.  We were friends before this and I hope that we’ll be friends after.  You mean a lot of me, Ellie, but I don’t know if a relationship is what’s right here.  We started in different places when this relationship began.”

Ellie nodded, “I understand…I…I’m not hungry anymore.  Can we go home?”

Kieran signaled for the waitress to bring a couple to go boxes and they headed home.

***

Eleanor sat at home alone thinking.  Kieran was out working the night shift for his security job.  She had never felt more alone.  She played with her phone while staring blankly at the stove clock opposite her at the kitchen bar when it sprang to life in her hands.

She didn’t recognize the number, but she decided to pick up anyways.

“Do you know where Kieran’s at?”

“Who is this?”

“Do you know who he’s with?”

“I demand you tell me who you are!”

“You’ll find him at 92 Citadel Crest Green NW,”

Before Eleanor could ask who it was again, the caller hung up.  She put down her phone with a sigh.  Was this all a joke?  Kieran was at work.  He had to be.  It was only 2 a.m.  But what if he wasn’t.

She paced back and forth, debating whether she ought to follow up at that address or not.  Eventually she grabbed her purse, jumped into her car, and drove to the address she had been told.  She sat in the car for a while before going up to the house.  Even in the car, she could see that all the lights were turned on and the house reverberating with loud music.  She rang the doorbell, waiting for a response, but with all that noise, it was unlikely anyone had heard.  She tried the door and found it to be unlocked.  She cautiously made her way into the house, seeing his shoes at the front door, she proceeded further, looking for him.  The main floor was empty, save for the blaring speakers and what appeared to be Kieran’s shirt.  Her favourite.  The plaid one.  She thought she heard giggling upstairs and followed it to a bedroom with the door opened ajar.  Quietly, she peaked in, glimpsing a group of girls in the room.  Kieran was among them, utterly naked, half conscious, and completely drunk out of his mind.  She gasped, quickly covering her mouth to silence herself.  She watched as a blonde kissed him, straddling him, gently raising and lowering herself on him, and he kissed her back with a passion Eleanor had thought was dead in him.  She stifled her tears, taking a deep breath she pushed the door open.  The other girls who were watching jump to their feet.

“Who the fuck are you?!” one exclaimed.

“You know you’re trespassing!” exclaimed another.

She pushed passed them all.

“Get off of him!” she said, throwing the blonde off of him.

“Who the fuck are you?” asked the blonde.

“His fiancee,” she said, pulling Kieran to his feet.

“Ellie?” asked Kieran, slurring. “What’s happening?”

“I think you’ve had enough to drink for one night.  Let’s get you dressed, go home, and we’ll talk about it in the morning,” she said.

“Okay,” he said obediently.

He allowed her to lead him around, doing whatever to him, just like he had been doing earlier.  The blonde brushed her hand against Kieran, extracting a moan from him.  Without thinking, Eleanor slapped her across the face.

“What’s your problem?  We were just having a little fun,” exclaimed the blonde.

“If you ever touch him like that again, you’re going to lose that hand.  If you ever put your mouth on him again like that, I’ll rip your tongue out.  And if I find you on top of him like that again, I’ll kill you,” Eleanor threatened her.

“Wow, I can’t imagine Kir ever wanting to marry a girl like you,” sneered the blonde.

Hearing another woman use his nickname felt like a slap in the face to Eleanor.  It took a minute for Eleanor to regain her senses.

“I swear to God-” Eleanor began.

“Ellie, Maddie, please don’t fight,” managed Kieran, “Maddie, you probably shouldn’t have done that.”

“That’s not what you were saying earlier…what was it you were saying?  Oh yes, fuck me like you mean it,” smiled Maddie.

Kieran returned her smiled, trailing off at the end, “Did I say that? Well…”

Eleanor didn’t wait for a response, she steered him out the door, back down to the main floor, picking up his shirt as she went, and helping him into the car.  She took a deep breath, calmed herself down just enough to be able to drive home.

When they got home, she cleaned him up and got him to bed.  He fell asleep quickly, but the same could not be said for her.  She tossed and turned, unable to get the images, the words out of her head.

***

Kieran woke with a splitting headache.  Eleanor was lying next to him; her eyes red from crying all night.

“Ellie?  What happened last night?” asked Kieran.

“You don’t remember?” she asked quietly.

“No…”

“You were at work?”

“I-Ellie…I’m sorry…no, we had the day off…I should’ve told you…” said Kieran.

“Was it so I wouldn’t ask you anymore questions about that Madison girl?” asked Eleanor.

“I-”

“You promised me nothing was going to happen!” exclaimed Eleanor, borderline hysterical.

“Well, I’m not sure what happened,” said Kieran.

“Exactly what I told you would happen.  You aren’t as loyal when you’re drunk as you thought you would be.  You said you’d never let it get that far, but with drink, your inhibitions are lowered.  You would do anything and everything you said you wouldn’t do sober.  They knew exactly what to do.  You let them take advantage of you.  You fucked Madison for God’s sake!” Eleanor cried, “I’m your fiancee!  Or does that mean nothing to you?”

Kieran’s jaw dropped, “Oh my God, Ellie.  I’m so sorry…I don’t even know what to say.”

“Why were you at her house?  Why did you continue to do the things that you knew made me uncomfortable?” asked Eleanor.

“I had to blow off some steam.  You were driving me nuts!” exclaimed Kieran.

“Then you should’ve talked to me instead of messing with girls behind my back,” said Eleanor quietly, “I think I should go home…”

“You are home,” said Kieran.

“No…my parents…” she said, climbing out of bed.

***

In the weeks that followed, Kieran broke off the engagement and Eleanor came by to return the ring and clear out her things.  It wasn’t long after their separation that Kieran began a relationship with Madison.  On the face of it, he told everyone that he had loved Eleanor to the very end, but due to irreconcilable differences, they had decided to part ways.  He told everyone he knew that Madison was more compatible with who he was, with the lifestyle he had always dreamed of.  He told Eleanor she had deserved better, but really he thought he was the one who did.

Weeks turned into months and Eleanor began to worry.  She had missed several periods and every morning she woke unable to eat after a night of being unable to sleep.  For the first little while she thought it was because of the stress that she wasn’t having her period and the eating and sleeping was due to heartbreak, but after several missed months, she decided to conduct a pregnancy test.  It came up positive.

She stared at it a while.  Kieran didn’t need this in his life.  The only person she ever cared about.  The one who was her whole world.  Gone.  She didn’t need to ruin his life further.  She still loved him despite everything.

And though she had told herself over and over that no man was worth dying for.  That she would get over him one day, she knew she never would.  Kieran had and always would have a part of her that no one else would ever have.

She wrote a letter, telling Kieran exactly how she felt.  She enclosed the pregnancy test and mailed it to him as she made arrangements for her other plan.  She arranged her affairs, leaving everything to Kieran.  Nobody knew.

She had always been fascinated by Death and she could feel his cold on her everyday.  Some days he came by and sat with her, talking to her, listening to her heartbreak.  Some days he would just hold her and tell her he loved her.  That he would protect her.  The days got colder.  Her fingers ice.  And when she would reach out, he was always there for her.

And when she left that day, she went out knowing she was never coming home.  She was going some place else.  Some place better.

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Deserve

People say I deserve this
And I deserve that
That I deserve to be happy
And all my dreams to come true but I don’t believe that

I don’t deserve anything blindly
Everything is earned
Everything must be paid for
Everything has a price
Even love

I believe that things will come with time
But at the same time I don’t

Nothing was I’ve ever obtained from life came from waiting
Anything and everything I have is because I pursued it
Chased it
Grabbed it
And made it mine

For everything that I am
For everything that I’ve done
It’s easy to say that I deserve to be happy
To be in love
To have everything I ever want

But how do I stop loving someone who has been my whole world?
How do I turn off the pain?
I never learned what it is not to chase my dreams
You were my dreams

Together we became broken
But I don’t know how to walk away
Because I was always taught to fix what I could
To salvage and work through every problem I ever had
Not to throw away
To abandon
What could not be

I don’t know what it means to give up
To walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me
To file away the emotions
To forget everything we’ve been through

You’ve left me heartless
A hole remains
Hollow and cold
Leaving behind nothing but pain

Now I know what it is when someone makes time for you
Makes an effort to be in your life
Instead of making excuses

You’re more of a man than you might think
You’ve done everything right in my eyes
You’ve showed me that not all men will hurt me
You’ve showed me that there is hope
Hope that the sand that my heart has become
Will one day turn to glass
Become whole again
When that someone comes along
But can it be
That dust and sand
Can once again
Become a beating human heart?

When I showed you who I really was
The darkness beneath the light
The insanity hidden by this mask
You still stayed
Despite the ups and downs I forced you through
You loved me
For who I was
Held me close
And told me that it would be ok
Because you were there
That you would always be there to face the world with me

I can’t help but think
That no one else in the world would put up with me
Would accept me for who I truly am
That I will spend my life hiding behind that mask
Pretending to be someone I’m not
Because who could love an unpredictable monster
Such as me

No one could handle me at my worst
I’m a hurricane that displaces
I’m an earthquake that divides

I want to ask you
Do you know what it feels like
To be so filled with dread that your blood runs cold
When you wake in the middle of the night
Fighting
Struggling against the demons fighting for what’s left of your heart
Squeezing it
And turning the already minute particles
Into their respective atoms

I’m so glad to have had you in my life
To have filled me with so much joy
And so much pain
Maybe if I didn’t care so much
It would hurt as badly
I do not regret loving you
It is better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all

Time will not heal all wounds
It only dulls the pain
But one day
I will raise my head high
I will look across the world
And I will remember
You loved me
And I survived

Should I go Today

I’m tired.  Just tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  What’s the point anymore?  I work so hard, but for what?  Why?  I kill myself everyday to get a job, to be the top of my class, to be someone that my parents can be proud of.  Why?  What’s the point?  Why do we have to create a purpose in life?  Why can’t we just survive and take each day as it comes?  Why do we put so much emphasis on success, ambition?  I look back and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve accomplished so much, but feel like I’m worthless.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I’m just a burden on everyone around and that everything anyone says is a lie.  I’ve lost all trust in people and maybe it’s due to the profession I’ve chosen to go into, but all my life, people have proven they don’t deserve my trust.  People became my friends not because they liked me for who I was, but for what I could do for them.  Sure, I’m not the smartest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pretty well for myself.  And because of that I never knew if people were only here to use me or actually wanted to be my friend.  I’ve seen so many friends over the years drift out my life because our friendship was one of convenience.  I could help them academically and that was all I was good for.  I’m not saying every friend I ever made was like that, for I do have some friends in my life who I can see are genuinely there for more than just what I can do to help them succeed.  And I don’t appreciate all those in my life who are there who are there just to see me fail.  I’m not perfect.  No one is, so stop putting me on that pedestal because I will fall.  Stop watching me as the ideal of perfection and then laughing at me, talking behind back when I fail.  I may not make as many mistakes because I’m meticulous.  I put so much time and effort into maintaining this facade.  Time and effort you never see, so you assume it comes naturally.  I’m not naturally intelligent.  It’s the habits I’ve developed over the years.  I’ve learned how to maximize the way I retain and learn things.  I make it look easy, but it’s not easy.  It never has been and never will be.  And while you all hate me when I say I only got a 90%, I honestly mean it.  I beat myself up, repeating to myself how stupid I am because I couldn’t remember the information that could have gotten me that 10% because I did know it and I know I should’ve done better.  Anything you can say to me, I have thought it a hundred times and thought up worse things.  So, yeah, I am insecure when you say these things to me because I already know I’m not perfect, but when you decide you’re going highlight it, make fun of me for it, and tell everyone so that they know how futile all my attempts at perfection are, I’m hurt by it.  I brush it off because people have told me I’m too sensitive, too emotional, I cry too much.  Even strong people cry.  We spend so much time pretending everything is ok.  We hold everything inside so that our facade doesn’t crack and show who we truly are inside.  We’re a mess, just like you, but we hide it, but sometimes when something incredibly stressful happens like a break up, we can’t hold it back anymore.  Like a dam, the pressure is to great to hold back.

I say so much, but ultimately, the words fail me.  I don’t have the eloquence I normally do.  If I were to die today, there would be no note.  I would just do it.  I would leave the world wondering why I did what I did.  I can see some people in my life clearly.  My dad.  Calling me an idiot for throwing my life away.  My classmate. “He is not worth dying for.  You would have gotten over him.”  If you have ever heard the song “The End of the World,” you’d understand how I’m feeling right now.  Because it is the end of my world.  He was and still is my world.  When I thought about break ups, I always thought I’d break up with someone because I stopped loving them.  I still love him.  And I can’t bear to let him go.  But in my heart I can’t help but think that its something I’ve done.  I am crazy; I’ll admit that much.  Maybe something I had done was the last straw for him and he says it’s not me, but a part of me says, yes it is.  And a part of me, a tiny part of me says that he’s not as good of a person as he appears to be.  He said he would never cheat on me, that he believes that communication and trust are the most important things in the relationship, but near the end I felt like he just stopped loving me.  That he started loving someone else.  In the beginning I could just go into his phone and he wouldn’t even react.  Now he asks me what I’m doing and why I’m so nosy and snooping all the time.  He says he’s not hiding anything, but they’re just words.  I don’t believe them anymore.

I don’t fail often.  I want everything to work out.  I want this to work out.  Sure we didn’t technically break up, but I want to come back from this break, I want to prove to those who were happy that we weren’t together anymore that we were meant to be together.  I want us to work because I’ve never met anyone who understands me as much as he does.  We work so well together and the people I’ve talked to thought we were really good together.  I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS! I don’t know how else to say it.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to make this work.  But maybe I’ve scared him off.  Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m just so tired of putting in so much effort and yielding nothing from it.  I’m tired of giving away parts  of me to watch people throw it away.  I’m tired of fighting a battle I don’t care about anymore.  I’m tired of having my heart ripped out and told to just suck it up and get over it.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  No one really cares about me anyways.  All I’ve ever been is a burden.

By My Side

I’ve told you all my problems
Spilled out my very soul
I’ve pored over each an every insecurity
And expressed to you my anguish

Yet you still stay
To listen to my pain
To promise to be there
No matter what happens

Despite all these things
Designed to push you away
They draw you in closer
They make you love me more

You’re more a man
Than I ever gave you credit for
For though you have seen
All the damage done to me
You persist

 

Dark and Light

I was never meant to be so alone
For so long
But you stole away my light
And imprisoned me in your darkness

In my solitude I learned what it meant to be true to myself
I learned to survive with the growing darkness inside of me
But you loved me for my light
Loved me for how it chased away the shadows
But people change
And so my light tainted
By your love

Until one day
I no longer suited your needs
I, who had loved you always
Cast aside
Abandoned in a shadowed realm
To find companionship where there was none
And make my own light
In the suffocating dark

Waiting

Waiting is the worst
Time the most corrosive substance
As I’ve said before
Time does not heal all wounds
It only makes me care less
But time also burns
Eats you from the inside out
Destroy you slowly
Until you no longer recognize
The tragic mess that you’ve become

Loving another

Cold mornings like these make me think of you
Of waking up
Going out
And running straight into the warmth of your embrace

We hid it from the world
In the comfort of your bower

I’ll never forget the way you loved me
Protected and sheltered me from harm

But now
Where have you gone?
Those days of loving exchanges
Have all but faded from my memory
Where are your sweet honeyed words
That used to give me so much comfort?

Now the breath I see before me
In the cold autumn air
Crystallizes into another
Whose face I may contort
With the pleasures
That once were yours

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