Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘pain’

By My Side

I’ve told you all my problems
Spilled out my very soul
I’ve pored over each an every insecurity
And expressed to you my anguish

Yet you still stay
To listen to my pain
To promise to be there
No matter what happens

Despite all these things
Designed to push you away
They draw you in closer
They make you love me more

You’re more a man
Than I ever gave you credit for
For though you have seen
All the damage done to me
You persist

 

Dark and Light

I was never meant to be so alone
For so long
But you stole away my light
And imprisoned me in your darkness

In my solitude I learned what it meant to be true to myself
I learned to survive with the growing darkness inside of me
But you loved me for my light
Loved me for how it chased away the shadows
But people change
And so my light tainted
By your love

Until one day
I no longer suited your needs
I, who had loved you always
Cast aside
Abandoned in a shadowed realm
To find companionship where there was none
And make my own light
In the suffocating dark

Waiting

Waiting is the worst
Time the most corrosive substance
As I’ve said before
Time does not heal all wounds
It only makes me care less
But time also burns
Eats you from the inside out
Destroy you slowly
Until you no longer recognize
The tragic mess that you’ve become

Loving another

Cold mornings like these make me think of you
Of waking up
Going out
And running straight into the warmth of your embrace

We hid it from the world
In the comfort of your bower

I’ll never forget the way you loved me
Protected and sheltered me from harm

But now
Where have you gone?
Those days of loving exchanges
Have all but faded from my memory
Where are your sweet honeyed words
That used to give me so much comfort?

Now the breath I see before me
In the cold autumn air
Crystallizes into another
Whose face I may contort
With the pleasures
That once were yours

Reminiscent

So many nights I lay here
Thinking of you
Dreaming of better days

So many nights I lay here
Crying for you
Missing your body next to mine

So many nights I lay here
Wondering where you’ve gone
And where you are now

So many nights
I wander alone
Along the streets we used to know
Doing the things we used to do
Trying to bring you back
Trying to bring back the memories
But I can’t

You’re gone
Gone somewhere I can’t touch you
Gone somewhere I can’t see

Why does it hurt so much to love you?
Why does it have to be like this?
All I wanted was to be loved
And I was

But I was a child
We both were
Taking from each other
Using each other
And when the time came to say goodbye
I had fallen in love with you
And couldn’t part with you

I admire the way you kept your distance
All the while still loving me
I hope that one day I will learn
Learn to be selfish
To take without hurting
As I am now

Conversations with You

Late at night
When the world’s gone to sleep
I lay here thinking of us

We did not exist
We were no more than friends
Yet,
In my world
We were so much more

There was no one who knew what I felt
There was so much isolation
So much loneliness before I met you

Slowly
Slowly, you showed me it was ok
To believe in my heart
To follow my dreams

Slowly
Slowly, morals corroded
Pleasure filled my days

And despite the exhaustion and pain
I longed for the conversations with you

My Apology

I never knew true loneliness until I had a companion, until I met you. Every night, every day I depended on our conversations. I never knew how important you were to me until I lost you. Though we were never that close and never spoke as much as we had in the last two weeks, I felt that I could trust you. There were things we talked about, things I told you that I’ve never told another person. Maybe I’m a fool for having trusted you, but I always believed that I should trust until my faith in you was disproven.

Last night we exchanged some heated words. Not in anger. But in fear. I was afraid and like Will Graham, fear made me rude. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel guilty about who you were or what you wanted to do. I know that I want those things, but would never have the impulsive courage to pursue them. I was afraid that I would lose what little self I had left and though I trusted you, I overreacted and said some things I now regret. I will never blame you for anything that happen, it was my own inexperience that led to this riff. If only you knew, how much I grew to love you in these last few weeks. If only you knew how desperately I clung to the idea of you and I, but my sense of propriety stopped me, as it always has. In these last few weeks, I’ve given away a part of myself. A part of me I’ll never get back. A part of me that no one else can have. It’s yours and it will always be yours. There was a void before I met you, an emptiness I thought could never be filled. I never thought I’d meet someone who had the same private interests as myself and I don’t think I ever will. I didn’t realize what I had in you until I lost you.

Most people drown themselves in alcohol and tears, wallowing in self-pity and despair, but I drowned myself in poetry and songs and moon cake. I kept replaying this song over and over, until the tears flooded my eyes and my heart felt a dull ache. I kept replaying this song to keep you in my head. This is the closest I’ve been to heartbreak. You have become one of the people I care most about. And in doing so I’ve allowed you to hurt me in a way no one else can. It’s the people you love most that cause you the most pain. The tears I shed last night in fear are nothing compared to the ones I shed now. “I couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away, but with everything I fee inside, I’m asking you to stay.”

You were my muse as much as the Patron of my Heart was. He appealed to my traditional values.  You, you were something else. You brought out the side of me, you brought out the part of me that was only seen in my novels and poetry. You amplified and refined my art. The Patron of my Heart could never do that. He confined me to ideals, confined me to a societal construction in a way you never did. You set my heart free. You made me feel freedom again.

I’m such a cerebral person that not only do I overreact, I overthink. Every word means a million other things. Every word leads to a million what ifs. When you said you were giving up, did you mean in me? Did what I say make it so you no longer wanted to be friends?

Tonight I feel a familiar dull ache. I told you once I was afraid of being hurt. This familiar loneliness, the inability to accept that there is someone who actually cares for me has returned. I can no longer see my worth or my beauty. This has become the heartbeat of my life. This is the taste of sadness.

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