Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Archive for September, 2014

Not Worth the Time, Not Worth the Effort

It’s hard knowing
That I’m not worth the time
Not worth your efforts
Nor will I ever be
But I should know
I should know better
For I brought this pain upon myself

Yet the tears keep coming
And my heart keeps breaking
Over the same things
Over the same thoughts
These are the tears I should not have to shed
I should not have to cry myself to sleep
Each time I think of you

Loving you has give you the power
To inexplicably hurt me
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side”
I have lost in the ultimate sense

Life was better when love was unrequited
Gone are the days
Where comfort laid in writing
Gone are the times
I could watch the world fade away
Those who say that it is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
Clearly never met you before

I was destined for solitude
Love had always been platonic
I was in love with the idea of love
I was in love with the intellectual
It was all I knew
It is all I will ever know

You always kept pushing
Pushing me out of my comfort zone
Pushing
Too hard
Too fast
You knew of my past
My upbringing
But still you pushed

A relationship isn’t about seeing how far you can push
Before I break
Crumble
Or shatter

I can’t keep up
I can’t keep giving up more of who I am
Just to be loved
There’s nothing left of me
There’s no one I recognize inside anymore

I’ve lost myself in loving you
Though both of us knew
We knew well enough
It would never last
But we kept pushing
We kept hoping
Looking to search for something that wasn’t there
But now all I can wish for
Is a way to reset
To erase all this pain
To bring back our memories
Of the pleasant days past
What would it take
To forget the things that I’ve said
To forget the things that I’ve promised

Perhaps it’s easier to just give in
To give up my sense of who I am
To forget that I have morals
To engage in pleasures I could only ever dream of
But would I?
To lose myself

Too long have I played a role
I thought someone understood me when I found you
But now all I want is to curl up and die
I’ve already given up
There’s no one in this world
Who would miss me when I’m gone

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep By Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Let this be my epitaph, though it is much to early to be thinking of such a thing

Caution: Expletives

Hey Asshole
With a mouth so big
Acting like a big shot comin’ in

Hey you Fucker
With a pea for a brain
Why don’t you come ’round the counter
And do my job?

Thinkin’ it’s easy
To blame others for your actions
Only something someone  as low as shit
Would do

I’m so tired
Day in and out
To listen to you
Runnin’ your mouth

You think this is easy
You have no idea

So come in
Bold as brass
And I’ll put you in your place
Shut your face in a box
Close the lid
And nail it tight

You won’t need much air
Where you’re going from here

A Helping Hand

Why are you so mad at me?
You only asked me to help
I did what I could
Not knowing anything on the subject matter

Why are you so angry all the time?
When I ask if this is what you want
All I want to do is help

Why are you yelling at me?
Too long have I lived in fear
Can’t I for once be loved?

A broken teacup cannot be rebuilt
Once shattered
Forever unrepairable

Please stop hurting me
I never deserved this
For trying to help

Not so Little Anymore

I’m not your little girl anymore
I don’t need your protection
You have a strange way of loving me
You always told me I was wrong
Stupid
Worthless

When the times came for the “talk”
You told me I was too young
When the time came to get a job and earn a living
You thought I should have already known
But how could I have known
When you never taught me a thing

I will never know what it’s like
Living beyond the cover of a book
And for that I’m useless

If you had told me
Taught me
Like a parent should have
I would not be left
Hungering for the taste of coffee and cigarettes
On the lips of strangers

I would not be bewildered by affection
To have self-esteem
To believe that I too can be beautiful
I would not be left to find out
Through caresses in the night
How love should be

I look back and know
You were never my father
Only a stranger
Who shared my home
And wrecked my heart

I Don’t Dress Pretty For You

I don’t dress pretty for you
I’m not just another piece of eye candy
In such a materialistic, consumerist society
Pleasure is for sale

I don’t dress up to impress you
I’m not just a doll for your entertainment
I have thoughts and feelings
That you could never fathom

Happiness comes at a steep price
Are you prepared to pay?

I was born to live
Like every other human being
I was born with purpose and direction
To be whoever I wish

So don’t you dare reduce me to my biology
I have strength enough to bring you to your knees
I will crush your hopes and dreams for a passive mistress
And make you beg for mercy

In this capitalist world
You can’t afford a girl like me

This Sick and Tired Existence

Some days I feel like crying
And wish the world away
Some days I feel like dying
And need someone to convince me otherwise

Under strength and independence
Is always vulnerability
This façade was bound to crack
Under Atlas’ burden

All my life I have loved
And given all of me
This once I ask to be understood
This once I ask you to see the paradoxical nature that I am
This once I ask to be loved

Everyone deserves to be loved
To be held
And talked to
Late into the night
I’m no exception

A romantic at heart
A realist by trade
A constant conflict I must face
Day after day

There are times I won’t understand
These are the times when you should forgive me
These are the times you take me into your arms and tell me everything will be ok
These are the times I need you most
To stand by my side when I feel the most alone
To love and support me as you should
As I have

If you cannot love me at my worst
You do not deserve me at my best

Restaurant Review: Chianti

Location: 300-20 Crowfoot Crescent NW
Website: http://www.chianticafe.ca/

To find  a restaurant review written on a place I go to with my parents is rare because I hardly ever take pictures, so keep that in mind if you read any of my future reviews and they are pictureless.

Chianti is one of my favourite Italian restaurants, the other being Green Olive. I love that their pasta is actually al dente not mush. But pasta texture isn’t everything, the flavour must be taken into consideration as well.

As usual, we started with an appetizer, calamari, which I’ve come to be quite the expert on. The batter on the calamari was quite crunchy and well seasoned, but after a few rings began to feel heavy due to the greasiness. I liked that they offered two types of sauces for dipping: tzatziki and marinara. It seems that several restaurants are now offering two dips with their calamari. Last week I was just at Milestones trying out their new menu and when we ordered the calamari they had a tartar and a marinara. Unfortunately, I hold an ambivalent stance in terms of the calamari at Milestones (though I’ve done my review on this restaurant, I must add this) because sometimes Milestones makes the mistake of not seasoning the batter for the calamari thinking that the dips would provide enough flavour or perhaps they’re concerned that in seasoning the calamari, it will be too salty. Whatever their reasoning is, I don’t know, but it leaves the calamari bland and rather difficult to eat. At Chianti’s I liked that the tzatziki sauce was a little on the thick side as there is nothing more annoying than wearing a garlic sauce on your clothes all night. One thing I would have preferred for the marinara is a bit of heat. A bit of heat or acidity would have helped to cut through the grease. It’s true that they gave us a wedge of lemon, but there was hardly enough lemon juice to taste a thing.

Italian isn’t something I get to go out for much as my sister dislikes it as much as I dislike sushi. It is tolerable, but not something she would choose to eat of her own free will. Whenever we go out, my mom always goes for something seafood-y, usually salmon. She ordered the Salmon Alla Peppi, which was  a piece of salmon, baked and topped with fresh strawberries, glazed with a honey and soy reduction and served with vegetables and potatoes. From what I glean from my mom, the dish had too much soy sauce in there and was way too salty, she said that Green Olive had the right balance was was much better in terms of taste. My dad ordered the combinazione della casa, which is something that he almost always gets either at Chianti’s or at Green Olive. I’ve had it at both and it’s pretty decent, especially when you want a variety of food. The combinazione della casa comes with baked cannelloni, spinach fettuccine alfredo, and veal parmigiana. It’s the best dish when you want to have both a cream sauce and tomato sauce (but not a rose sauce). My dad complained that his dish wasn’t really hot and pasta and veal should never be eaten warm or cold, especially since the cheese didn’t look like it had melted or at least if it did, it resolidified. I ordered the Caribbean Fettuccine, not for the fact there are mango chunks in it because I dislike cooked or warm mango, but for the curry cream sauce which is seriously the best! And I also love that they have fresh parmesan, not the powdered stuff.

The price was reasonable and affordable as Italian restaurants in this city always seems to overprice things (or at least the ones I’ve been to). I would definitely come back with friends for a good Italian night out. I would rate this place 4.5/5. Hopefully next time I go, I can take a few pictures.

UPDATE: I returned here today and got some pictures (YAY!) Unfortunately the restaurant is kind of dark, plus there was quite a lot of overcast so even with flash these pictures were dark and though I did my best to increase contrast and brighten the images, they still aren’t of the best quality. These two are what I usually order as I absolutely love their curry cream sauce and the combinazione della casa always gives me the choice of cream and tomato sauce on the same plate. One thing I forgot to mention last time is that I love their fresh parmesan so much that I never tell them to stop and they just look at me like “ok, that’s enough,” but really if I had it my own way, I’d eat the entire block of parmesan

Caribbean

Caribbean

Combo Casa

Combinazione della Casa

Meeting You Again

So much has changed
So much has passed
Since I saw you last
Our conversations never capture
The feelings we shared
I always thought
Who I was
Would always be
Incompatible
With you you were
But a day can change so much
Is it love or loneliness?
Am I like you
Afraid to let go?
Afraid to be alone again?
Afraid of being hurt?
Even if she has more shoes than brain cells
She’s better than emptiness
Better than solitude
Again

I’ve always believed in myself
Always trusted to be alone
But today you’ve made lose who I am
Questioned all I believed
So I ask again
Are we incompatible
Or are we just lonely?

Resolutions

I walked up to the door in a familiar neighbourhood. These where the streets of my childhood. This was where I had grown up, fallen in love and been left heartbroken. These were the streets that I had sworn to protect.

On these streets lived the people I promised to protect, people whose names I still knew. On these streets lived my friends and some of my best memories, but now…things were different. I had come back for another reason. A sadder purpose. All my life I had made others laugh. That was what I was good at. Then I was told of my duty. I had to be the one. The harbinger of woe, the bearer of calamity.

War always changed things. No matter how we tried. No matter what we did. War always changed us. We tried to hold on to our ideals, our morals, but War was determined to take away the things that meant the most to us. I gave myself because I thought I had nothing to lose, yet, I found myself mourning a loss not of my own.

He had once been a good friend. Perhaps even my best friend, but things changed. It was a girl. It was always a girl. I loathed and despised him for being better than me, for being the one that she ultimately chose. I loved her. She could do no wrong in my eyes. So it had to be him. He had to bear the brunt of my anger.

Days turned to months as we continued to drift apart. How could he know how I felt? I had been alone for so long. When I found her, I had been the happiest man alive. How could he know how it felt to lose all of that in a heartbeat? As he took my place, he took my happiness and the anger inside of me grew. He still valued me despite it all. He still thought of me as a friend. I tried to let the feelings pass. I tried to pretend I was not still bitter, but I was. I loved her, but it wasn’t his fault.

The last time I had walked up to her door was to take her to prom, the night she left me. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I approached the door. I knew I had been wrong to be angry with him. He had the right to be happy. He had been so alone. He deserved to be forgiven. He deserved an apology.

I rang the doorbell and waited. I heard the bark of a dog, the laughter of children and her melodic voice.

“Hello,” she answered coming to the door, her eyes twinkling.

“Mrs. Madison,” I began.

“Tony?” she interrupted, “How long has it been?”

“I’d say about fifteen years,” I said dryly.

“What brings you ’round to these parts?” she simpered in her beautiful southern accent.

“Well, you see, I-” I began again.

“Come inside, make yourself comfortable. Lucy, please fetch us some scones and iced tea,” she called leading me into her parlour.

“Anna, please…” I said, trying to bring some professionalism back.

“Tony…look. I never got the chance to apologize to you. I know I hurt you real bad, but you gotta understand, David made me feel things that you could just never…well…I’m sorry,” said Anna, her feelings spilling out.

“Anna…that’s not what I’m here about,” I said quietly.

Lucy brought in the scones and iced tea before disappearing again.

“You’d better take a scone and explain then,” said Anna sitting down across from me, holding a plate out to me.

I nodded and took the plate, taking a bite before starting, “Anna, it’s about David. I-I’m not sure how to tell you.”

Anna shook her head, her curls bouncing against her face, her eyes wide with terror, “No, please.”

“I’m so sorry Anna. After all these years, after all this regret, I’m so sorry I have to be the one to bring you this news,” I continued quietly.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she pressed her hand to her mouth, suppressing a sob. I leaned across the table and handed her my handkerchief.

“How?” asked Anna, her voice cracking.

I shook my  head, “I don’t know. I don’t know how they knew we were coming. Someone must have told them, tipped them off.”

Anna just kept looking, waiting for an answer. I struggled with myself. How could I put it gently?

“His plane went down over Germany. We don’t know if he survived,” I said at last.

“If he did, the Germans would have captured him right?” asked Anna.

I nodded.

Anna bit her lip, “And…is there a chance he could have escaped?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know Anna. I-”

Lucy reappeared at the doorway, “I’m sorry Mrs. Madison, but there’s a gentleman at the door for you. Says he needs to talk to you urgently.”

Anna stood, drying her eyes with the handkerchief. She reached out for my sleeve, “Tony, come with me.”

I nodded and followed her to the door.

“David?” asked Anna bewildered.

He nodded.

“DAVID!” she screamed running to him.

He wrapped his arms around her wordlessly watching me. I approached him with a nod.

“It’s good to have you back buddy” I chuckled.

“It’s good to be back,” he returned grinning.

Prompt: You are a military officer responsible for going to people’s homes to tell them that a family member has died in combat, is a prisoner of war, injured, missing in action, and the like. Describe one of the notification scenes.

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