Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Archive for September, 2014

Not Worth the Time, Not Worth the Effort

It’s hard knowing
That I’m not worth the time
Not worth your efforts
Nor will I ever be
But I should know
I should know better
For I brought this pain upon myself

Yet the tears keep coming
And my heart keeps breaking
Over the same things
Over the same thoughts
These are the tears I should not have to shed
I should not have to cry myself to sleep
Each time I think of you

Loving you has give you the power
To inexplicably hurt me
“Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side”
I have lost in the ultimate sense

Life was better when love was unrequited
Gone are the days
Where comfort laid in writing
Gone are the times
I could watch the world fade away
Those who say that it is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
Clearly never met you before

I was destined for solitude
Love had always been platonic
I was in love with the idea of love
I was in love with the intellectual
It was all I knew
It is all I will ever know

You always kept pushing
Pushing me out of my comfort zone
Pushing
Too hard
Too fast
You knew of my past
My upbringing
But still you pushed

A relationship isn’t about seeing how far you can push
Before I break
Crumble
Or shatter

I can’t keep up
I can’t keep giving up more of who I am
Just to be loved
There’s nothing left of me
There’s no one I recognize inside anymore

I’ve lost myself in loving you
Though both of us knew
We knew well enough
It would never last
But we kept pushing
We kept hoping
Looking to search for something that wasn’t there
But now all I can wish for
Is a way to reset
To erase all this pain
To bring back our memories
Of the pleasant days past
What would it take
To forget the things that I’ve said
To forget the things that I’ve promised

Perhaps it’s easier to just give in
To give up my sense of who I am
To forget that I have morals
To engage in pleasures I could only ever dream of
But would I?
To lose myself

Too long have I played a role
I thought someone understood me when I found you
But now all I want is to curl up and die
I’ve already given up
There’s no one in this world
Who would miss me when I’m gone

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep By Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Let this be my epitaph, though it is much to early to be thinking of such a thing

Caution: Expletives

Hey Asshole
With a mouth so big
Acting like a big shot comin’ in

Hey you Fucker
With a pea for a brain
Why don’t you come ’round the counter
And do my job?

Thinkin’ it’s easy
To blame others for your actions
Only something someone  as low as shit
Would do

I’m so tired
Day in and out
To listen to you
Runnin’ your mouth

You think this is easy
You have no idea

So come in
Bold as brass
And I’ll put you in your place
Shut your face in a box
Close the lid
And nail it tight

You won’t need much air
Where you’re going from here

A Helping Hand

Why are you so mad at me?
You only asked me to help
I did what I could
Not knowing anything on the subject matter

Why are you so angry all the time?
When I ask if this is what you want
All I want to do is help

Why are you yelling at me?
Too long have I lived in fear
Can’t I for once be loved?

A broken teacup cannot be rebuilt
Once shattered
Forever unrepairable

Please stop hurting me
I never deserved this
For trying to help

Not so Little Anymore

I’m not your little girl anymore
I don’t need your protection
You have a strange way of loving me
You always told me I was wrong
Stupid
Worthless

When the times came for the “talk”
You told me I was too young
When the time came to get a job and earn a living
You thought I should have already known
But how could I have known
When you never taught me a thing

I will never know what it’s like
Living beyond the cover of a book
And for that I’m useless

If you had told me
Taught me
Like a parent should have
I would not be left
Hungering for the taste of coffee and cigarettes
On the lips of strangers

I would not be bewildered by affection
To have self-esteem
To believe that I too can be beautiful
I would not be left to find out
Through caresses in the night
How love should be

I look back and know
You were never my father
Only a stranger
Who shared my home
And wrecked my heart

I Don’t Dress Pretty For You

I don’t dress pretty for you
I’m not just another piece of eye candy
In such a materialistic, consumerist society
Pleasure is for sale

I don’t dress up to impress you
I’m not just a doll for your entertainment
I have thoughts and feelings
That you could never fathom

Happiness comes at a steep price
Are you prepared to pay?

I was born to live
Like every other human being
I was born with purpose and direction
To be whoever I wish

So don’t you dare reduce me to my biology
I have strength enough to bring you to your knees
I will crush your hopes and dreams for a passive mistress
And make you beg for mercy

In this capitalist world
You can’t afford a girl like me

This Sick and Tired Existence

Some days I feel like crying
And wish the world away
Some days I feel like dying
And need someone to convince me otherwise

Under strength and independence
Is always vulnerability
This façade was bound to crack
Under Atlas’ burden

All my life I have loved
And given all of me
This once I ask to be understood
This once I ask you to see the paradoxical nature that I am
This once I ask to be loved

Everyone deserves to be loved
To be held
And talked to
Late into the night
I’m no exception

A romantic at heart
A realist by trade
A constant conflict I must face
Day after day

There are times I won’t understand
These are the times when you should forgive me
These are the times you take me into your arms and tell me everything will be ok
These are the times I need you most
To stand by my side when I feel the most alone
To love and support me as you should
As I have

If you cannot love me at my worst
You do not deserve me at my best

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