Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘prompt’

Self Loathing Love

They say
To love someone
You must first love yourself
But I think it untrue

For loving you
I forgot
My pain
My loneliness
And self-loathing

Loving you
Showed me
I was capable
Of giving you my whole world
Of risking everything I believed in

By making my heart vulnerable
I was given a strength I knew not

But you shattered it
To a thousand shards

The resiliency of humanity
Will always surprise me

For from the ash and dust
From the infertile sands
A phoenix emerged
Burning ever so bright

Fire was never meant to be contained
Heartbreak showed me my true nature
That I will love
No matter the circumstance
No matter how broken I may become
No matter how many
Bandages
And stitches
I will always burn bright

For nothing can extinguish these external flames
Least of all
A boy
Who doesn’t understand what it means to love

Prompt: “You have to love yourself before you love anyone else” bullshit!  I have never loved myself, but you, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.

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A Lesson in Life

They all sat facing forward. A formless black mass. Their heads bowed in prayer as I made my way down the aisle. A few lifted their eyes to catch a glimpse, wondering who I was and how I dared to come so late. I took my seat at the front, next to a woman I presumed to be his wife. I set my little boy on my lap and faced forward. The woman, not much older than myself, looked over at me startled.

“Who are you?” she whispered.

“I think you know who I am,” I returned.

“These seats are reserved for family and close friends,” she hissed.

“Does the mother of his child count as such?” I returned.

She glowered at me, but said nothing. I knew her type. She wouldn’t make a scene here, but in the privacy of a sound proof room, she’d let me have it.

We endured the ceremony sitting next to one another. I watched as she rose to give her eulogy to him.

“…He was a great man who was loved by all. But most of all, he was a man who loved life and all it had to offer him…” she finished.

With that everyone rose and began filing out into the reception area. The mood had lightened. Now they were to celebrate his life. The man that he had been. I was probably going to get a talking to, but what did I care?

I rose, following the others into the reception area. She followed close behind.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed.

“I have every right to celebrate the man he was-” I started.

“No,” she said cutting me off, “Not until I’ve had a word with you.”

“Why?” asked the little boy in my arms, “What has mama done?”

“Why don’t you go and play with the other…others while I talk to your mother?” she said with a forced smiled.

“Why did you bring a child to a funeral, are you insane?” she hissed.

“Stop being mean to my mama!” he said loudly, catching the attention of several guests.

“Shh, Adrian, it’s alright,” I said reassuringly.

He frowned, “But she’s being mean. You always said to stand up to bullies. She’s a bully!”

“I know baby, but let mama talk to her. Maybe she has something worthwhile to say,” I said.

“Damn straight I have something worthwhile to say. Get. The. FUCK. out,” she said enunciating each word.

“I thought I’d just come and meet you,” I shrugged, “I didn’t have to, but I thought it’d be the civil thing to do.”

“Well leave. You’ve outstayed your welcome,” she snarled.

I shrugged and walked in amongst the guests, losing myself in the crowd. He had touched so many people’s lives in his life time it was only right to have so many well wishers at his funeral.

I chatted with a few of the guests, all of them too polite to breach the subject of my relationship with him. From a distance I saw a young couple looking at us curiously. They seemed like interesting people and I approached them.

“Hello,” I said with a smiled, “My name is Brienne. This is Adrian. Thank you so much for coming today.”

“Hello, I’m Marcie and this is Luke,” introduced Marcie, “So how do you know Caleb?”

“We were high school sweethearts,” I answered, “Circumstances drew us apart…and then together again. But as luck would have it, he was already married.”

“So…Adrian is-” started Luke.

I nodded.

“Aren’t you a little young to have a child?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I suppose.”

“Do you mind me asking…when?” asked Marcie awkwardly, “I mean, Luke and I want…to have kids, but we’re kinda young too…”

I smiled, “I had Adrian when I was eighteen. That’s what initially drew us apart. But when Caleb discovered his wife was…how do I put this delicately, unable to provide what he wanted most in life, he came running straight back to me. You see, years ago, he just wanted to have fun. He wasn’t in it for a seriously relationship or committed to providing for a child.”

Marcie looked at Luke who nodded, taking her hand in his.

“Thank you Brienne…you’ve given us something to think about as we prepare for our life together. We’re so sorry for your loss,” murmured Luke.

I nodded drifting away again.

“A lot of people liked daddy didn’t they?” asked Adrian.

I nodded and said, “But you must know, daddy loved you most of all.”

Prompt: “Aren’t you a little young to have a child”

How do you break up with someone you never officially dated?

Today I read an article about when you break up with someone you never officially dated and immediately related to it. I mean, considering the state of our society today, where hook ups are as common as breathing (thanks to Tinder and those kinds of apps) and friends with benefits are just another type of friend to acquire, I wasn’t surprised that I too had been a part of one.

We all have our own reasons for entering into these kinds of relationships. For me in particular, i have commitment issues. Though it’s my ultimate dream to be married and have a family and stuff like that, it’s hard for me to open because of what’s happened in the past. I’m typically a very sensitive person, so the slightest thing has the biggest effects on me. I guess it’s not so much commitment issues as trust issues. A relationship should be built on trust, but I still remember the first time I confessed my love for someone in junior high and he laughed in my face. It hurt so much, but we kept in touch because of the mutual benefits we could reap from one another (I know this was the case because after we graduated from high school we didn’t talk to each other again for another two to three years).

This year I met someone that I had feelings for in high school (not the same guy as above who laughed in my face). I had no idea that we were so compatible in so many ways. We had a lot of similarities in terms of world views and how to raise a family and the same weird tastes, but the one thing that was dissimilar was our work ethic. He was…I don’t want to say lazy, but lazy and it was something I couldn’t stand. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was my equal, not someone I would have to mother. It was then I knew I couldn’t pursue as serious relationship with him and opted for a less than traditional relationship. I mean, for one, he was already in a relationship, but he hated the girl he was with. He confided in me and we would have intellectual exchanges that he couldn’t have with his girlfriend. I felt bad at times because I know how I’d feel if the person I loved was seeing someone else because i couldn’t provide him with the things that he needed.

What I didn’t expect was how much it would hurt when we decided to break it off. Unlike a traditional relationship, there’s no saying “ok, we’re over.” It just stopped. It went from texting and calling for twelve to fourteen hours a day to once in a few days and then now, it’s been weeks…Sometimes, when I think about it, it hurts as much as if I had been in a serious relationship because I did give up a part of myself. To be able to disconnect like he did, I do envy that, but would that make me as cold and as unfeeling as this world in which we now live? I refuse to let this world make me insensitive and hard.

I have no problem waiting for the right one. But having never been in a relationship before, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I can’t be perfect…I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again. I’m afraid that my head will ruin my heart. All I know is that when I find the right one, my heart won’t be pounding, I will be calm and at peace. And I know that I will love them with my everything.

Prompted by this article: http://hellogiggles.com/break-up-never-officially-dating/

Blood red Lies

She arrived home, flicking on the light. It was late. She was tired. It had been a long day. The meeting had dragged on longer than anyone expected. The last thing she wanted to think about was finding a new place to stay. The lease was up in two days…they would be kicking her out in two days. There just wasn’t enough time. There never was anymore.

Tonight she had been less careful than she had been in the past. She didn’t notice that he had followed her again. And this time she led him straight home.

She sat down at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. What was she going to do? What could she do? How could she afford a new place now? Oh why did this have to come at such a bad time? She stood and put the kettle on and put a spoonful of tea leaves into the cup, sitting back down.

It had been a long time since she felt the tears burning in the back of her eyes, trying to break through to the surface. A knock came at the door, surprising her. Who could be calling on her at such an hour? She rose, in a sleep deprived trance and opened the door.

“Hi,” he greeted timidly.

She stared at him in shock, then swore.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

She shook her head, “It’s not a good time…not now…please…just go, just leave me alone.”

“Please,” he begged.

She shook her head again, but was too tired to resists as he pushed his way in.

“What do you want?” she asked closing the door behind him.

“Just to talk,” he said simply.

“You never just want to talk,” she said dryly.

He shrugged, “Well I do and what ever it is you believe you is irrelevant.”

“Fine, what the fuck do you want to fucking talk about?” she started.

He laughed coldly, “I don’t think you should be talking to me that way.”

She rolled her eyes, but apologized, “Can you just say your piece? I’m tired and need to get some sleep.”

“Or some time to mull things over?” he snickered, “I know your lease expires in two days.”

She looked at him in alarm, how the hell did he know that?

“Oh come on, it wasn’t that hard to figure out,” he said.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “But what’s that to you?”

“I dunno, maybe you could stay with me for a while?” he suggested.

She snorted, “Yeah right.”

He gave her a half smile, “Why do you keep pretending not to like me? Why do you keep pretending not to like it?”

“Look I’ve got a reputation to maintain,” she started.

“Yeah? And I don’t? Even if we live together, it’s not like the world is sudden gonna know every little detail of your personal life,” he interrupted.

“It’s not that I don’t like you,” she said trying to take a different route.

“We all know that you can’t get enough of me,” he said, “You can keep pretending that you have other options, but the truth is that you don’t. You’re cornered like a hunted deer, you have nowhere left to go in your sad pitiful life. So stop pretending you’re better than me. I have options, but I want you, so what does that say about us?”

Her eyes flashed angrily, “You don’t think I have other options? Where’s your evidence?”

“Well, for one, if you don’t have a place to live, how do you think you’re gonna keep holding onto that job you got there?” he smirked.

“I can handle myself,” she said defiantly.

“I don’t think so,” he said slamming her into a wall.

He trailed his hands down along her body and felt it shiver in pleasure. He grinned.

“What are you doing?” she asked with some difficulty.

“What your body wants,” he responded.

She grabbed his collar suddenly and dragged him off towards her bedroom.

***

The next morning she woke up next to him covered in blood wondering what happened last night. She nudged him slightly, he lay there motionless.

“Hey!” she called a little louder, shaking him.

Still he didn’t respond. A loud knock came at the door startling her.

“Police, open up,”

She panicked, stuffing him under the bed with the bloodied sheets. She dressed to cover the blood on her body and went to answer the door.

“Hello officers, how can be of assistance to you?” she answered amicably.

“Miss Quinn?” asked one.

“Yes,” she nodded, repeating her question, “Is there a problem officers?”

“Neighbours reported tortured screams coming from your apartment,” stated the other.

“Oh, my apologies…my partner and I were simply…roleplaying. We didn’t mean to disturb anyone,” she lied.

“Oh? And where is your partner currently?” questioned the first.

“Working. He had to leave early this morning,” she lied again.

“What’s his name?” asked the other, pen poised over a small notebook.

“Gerald,” she said, pulling a name from thin air, “Lorde, I think is his last name.”

He noted the name and continued, “And when does Mr. Lorde typically return? We’d like to speak with him to corroborate the story.”

“He’s on a business trip, so let me see…today’s Wednesday, so he should be back either late Thursday or early Friday,” she said.

“Alright, we will call again on Friday,” said the first, “Does that suit you?”

She nodded, “Certainly. He will most certainly corroborate my story.”

“Well thank you for your time, Miss Quinn,” smiled the officer.

She closed the door and turned around releasing a sigh of relief, but her joy was short lived. Behind her he stood waiting with a hatchet. Before she could scream he started hacking at her face.

“This is for not loving me,” he said fiercely, “And this is for using me.”

He hacked her to bits, stowing her under the bed like she had done to him earlier. Satisfied with his handy work he left through the front door, locking it with a copy the key he had had made earlier.

Bleak

Ever since the fall of the second dynasty, our world had been thrown into chaos. Nothing seemed right anymore. There were no morals, no laws, nothing. But no one cared. No one felt it was wrong. No one but me. Laws today were arbitrary. What was legal today wasn’t tomorrow under the new regime. The only law that remained constant was that no government, past, present, or future could be expressed in any form deemed derogatory by the current regime except by the conquering regime.

I couldn’t keep things straight anymore, but I had to; I didn’t want to die for disobedience. I didn’t understand how the others could keep up, following blindly like a bunch of sheep. I liked to think of myself as more of a leader, but I knew I wasn’t a real leader. If I was, I wouldn’t be so afraid to die for what I believed in. More recently, there have been whispers of a coup rising up against the new regimes, a group, working from the grassroots where there is the most discontent, as is the case in most uprisings.

And it wasn’t only political chaos that was rampant, nature also had had enough of our abuse. She took her revenge on us and sent in an invasion of highly resistant pigeons. It was as though they had taken on the characteristics of bacteria, growing and adapting to the technologies created to destroy them. You would be hard pressed to find a building that wasn’t covered in a thick layer of shit. I know it’s hard to imagine, I know what you’re thinking. They’re just pigeons, what can they do? Well for one, they are creepy as hell. The way they watch you with their beady little eyes. It’s like they know something, like they’re watching and waiting for you to slip up, to make a mistake and expose a vulnerability that they can shit on. I suppose that’s why the pigeon has unofficially become the symbol of the imminent rebellion.

In early China, the ability to control the Yellow River was a measure of a dynasty’s competency to rule. Now it was the ability to control the pigeon population. The rebels enjoyed the symbolism associated with the stream of regimes unable to control these pests. They imagine themselves to be such a handful for the government when the time comes that they will be impossible to suppress.

But we will see. Only time will tell. But for now, all that is left is to wait.

Prompt: Random three word story (derogatory, me, pigeon)

Frosted Reality

I drive this familiar road remembering what you called a better time. Everything looks so different covered in snow, shivering and bracing itself against the cold. Despite everything I’ve lost, despite everything that’s changed since you left, I can’t say life was any better before. Less lonely, yes, but like everything else in this world, it was temporary, fleeting, that’s what made it beautiful, that’s what made you beautiful.

Though everyone is gone. Though everything is different. Though I’ve lost you in my life. I don’t feel alone. Not anymore. Through loving you I found myself. Through seeing the deadness inside reflected on this lonely road I realized that I too had beauty. Too long I had been kept from seeing my truth.

I stop, taking in the dark, leafless trees standing tall against the sky. Defiant and declarant. All along I should have seen my strength. You didn’t make me stronger. You didn’t help me realize my full potential. Everything I did for you was never enough, but somehow that showed me what I was capable of. Like the winter, I realized how destructive you were in my life. Even when you assured me you loved me. I knew it couldn’t be true. How could it be? You were just a trick.

Without you, my life is complete.

Price of a Woman

Don't cry my little Joanna Artist: Sharandula (DeviantArt)

Don’t cry my little Joanna
Artist: Sharandula (DeviantArt)

Source: http://sharandula.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-cry-my-little-Joanna-397455594

A pain
Resonant and true
In flesh and in soul
Beautiful and blue
A true tragedy

She was the only daughter
Of the only woman
To ravish the seas
And command the respect of her crew

Beautiful but terrible
Like her mother
Only delicate
And terrible for her uselessness

She, unlike her ever feared mother
Was a mere trinket
A trophy to be won
A waste

Immodest
Controlling
She got what she deserved
Playing the field so dangerously

She was a plaything to them
She certainly acted like one
She was of no value
Neither to herself
Nor to them

Used and cast ashore

Here she stands now
Ravished and Torn
In tears

Begging for your mercy
Imploring for your sympathy

But it’s just another game
But this one
Will burn her

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