Dear Allie

Dear Allie:

From the first time I met you, I knew I was in love with you.  Your laugh was infectious and your presence was mesmerizing.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.  But you didn’t know how I felt and I was so afraid to tell you.  After all, a girl like you had to have already been taken.  You are not only beautiful, but incredibly talented.  I’ve never met anyone as ambitious as you.

You’re so young, yet, you’re going through post secondary again; as though a degree wasn’t enough, you decided to pursue a diploma.  I know you dream of pursuing more academic endeavours and that is certainly your calling.  I just hope that I can keep up with you.  It frustrated me that everything comes to you so easily.  You multitask like no one I’ve ever seen (who spends more than half their class on Facebook and still manages to get down all the notes and understand everything without having to do the readings?)  But it’s clear that you have a gift and I admire that.  I spend countless hours working so hard and I can barely measure up to you.  Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing.  Maybe the times I don’t see you are the times you work the hardest to appear effortless.  When you set your heart to something, you accomplish it.  It’s rare to see you fail in anything, so much so that I want to call you perfect.  I know that there is no such thing as perfection, but if there was, you would be it.

The other day I caught a glimpse of you sitting alone.  You were crying, and I couldn’t understand why.  Who or what could have made you so upset?  I watched you watch the time.  As it neared the start of class you cleaned yourself up, plastered a smile on your face, and went on as you always do.  You helped others who were struggling and kept that smile on your face.  You laughed along as if nothing had happened, as if a part of you hadn’t just been shattered and was being held together by mere strands of thread.  The world sees you for your strength.  And when you think you’re alone, that’s the only time you allow your composure to slip.  I don’t know how you do it.  How you get up everyday even when you feel so broken and go out and face the world with a smile.  I know that if I had the chance, I would spend every moment of my life making sure that you never had to go through that pain alone.  To know that I am here for you no matter what happens.

I’ve heard whispers that you tend to be a little on the psychotic side.  Obviously, no one can tell by judging a book by its cover.  If you can hide your crazy as well as you hide your tears and your pain, then there’s no way I could possibly know what’s in store for me.  But it doesn’t matter.  We all have our quirks and there are things that make all of us crazy.  They are different for everyone, but everyone has their breaking point.  For you it’s control.  You can’t stand it when you can’t control the outcome.  I’ve seen how it stresses you out when you can’t make the plans you want, when something doesn’t go exactly your way, when the pieces of the puzzle refuse to fall into place.  I see the struggle on your face as you try not to let your composure slip, to make sure the world doesn’t know you as less than perfect.

But I don’t need you to be perfect.  I just need someone who is willing to put in the effort I am.  To promise to be by my side when the going gets tough.  I don’t want someone who would just quit and run away like a little child would because they don’t know how to handle a problem.  I want a mature woman who can hold her own.  You’re stronger than you think.  You may tear up when you get upset, your voice may shake, but when you put pen to paper, nothing can stop you.  While pen and paper can’t be the way you handle every problem, you can use it as a tool to clarify your thoughts.  You aren’t crazy, but if you want to think of it that way then I will handle your crazy, but only if you can handle mine.

And I will spend everyday of my life proving to you that you are worth all the trouble you think you seem to be worth.  The truth is, you deserve the world and if I could give it to you, I would.  You are worth much more than you give yourself credit for, if only you could see that for yourself.  Some days I can see that you need that little bit of reassurance.  It’s normal and I’d be more than happy to stand by your side and support you as you became something great in life.  I know that your childhood shaped you into the woman you are today, but don’t let it ruin what a great person you are.  Yes, it was painful, but you learned to survive it.  Your insecurity doesn’t have to be a weakness.  You just have to realize that it doesn’t define you.  Think about everything you’ve accomplished and everything you set out to accomplish.  You’ve done so damn much that you ought to be proud of yourself instead of thinking that there was something more you could have done.  Could you have done more?  Of course.  There’s always more that can be done, but you don’t have to be the one to do it all.  Learn to let go.  To delegate.  To trust.

It will be hard in the beginning, but with time it will come naturally to you, just like everything does.  Your hard work will be rewarded.

A girl like you.  She deserves to be spoiled.  She deserves every luxury money can afford.  And I hope that one day you will be able to find that.  Don’t ever lower your standards.  Don’t ever try to fit yourself into a mould.  You were born to stand out.  You were born to be great.  Do not change yourself to be what you think he/she would want.  Do not remove jewels from your crown in an effort to make it a smaller, lighter crown. You need someone who can handle you as you are, for you are a queen and you are destined to marry an equal.

Love is a partnership.  It is a give and take; it is about compromise.  Every decision you make isn’t just about you.  Every decision is a decision that will affect both parties of the partnership.  No, compromise isn’t necessarily a 50/50 split.  Being with someone isn’t about keeping the loneliness at bay.  Choose someone because of what you see in them.  For what they could become because of you and what you could become because of him/her.

No matter how old we are, we always have something to learn from someone else.  You are not perfect.  You don’t know everything.  But you’re good enough for me because in you I see myself and I believe we can learn and grow together…if you let me show you who you were meant to be.

Yours ever loving,

Mira

Controlled

Incessant and controlling
She plans every minute of every day
From each meal
To the details of her dress
There’s nothing that she can’t control in her life

To her the world is a puzzle
Each piece has its place
Every piece has its time
There’s a certain way things must go
It’s all part of a plan
Her plan

She cannot control
Her desire for control
She cannot stop
Organizing and reorganizing
Her life
And the world around her

Everything is compartmentalized
Everything must go according to plan

On the surface she is perfect
Living the life others could only dream of
But even perfect girls have their demons

Late at night
When the stillness of the night is most fragile
At the time of night, where light, sound, and sword can pierce
She is all alone
Her doubts
Her insecurities
Gnaw at her
She sees her flaws
And she wonders
Who would ever want such a disaster in their lives?

She thinks about
every action
every thought
every word
She has ever
said
done
thought
Again and again
Until she breaks down
Until she breaks apart
Like a mirror
Shards of herself
Reflected back

Monster
Demon
Harbinger of Disaster
Of Destruction
Of Death

A Midas
Who is nothing but trouble

Who would ever want someone like me in their lives?
She wonders

And when the sun rises again
She puts on a smile
Convinces her demons to sleep
Steps into the world
And allows the control to take over

It is her control that holds her together
It is her control that fools the world into thinking she has strength
It is her control that maintains her facade

But there is hope

For every demon in heaven
Every angel in hell
Every sinner
Every saint

There is hope

She is strong
She has survived
A fighter in every sense of the word
She has something that so many spend decades in search for
If only she could see it
And recognize how truly amazing she is

Should I go Today

I’m tired.  Just tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  What’s the point anymore?  I work so hard, but for what?  Why?  I kill myself everyday to get a job, to be the top of my class, to be someone that my parents can be proud of.  Why?  What’s the point?  Why do we have to create a purpose in life?  Why can’t we just survive and take each day as it comes?  Why do we put so much emphasis on success, ambition?  I look back and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve accomplished so much, but feel like I’m worthless.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I’m just a burden on everyone around and that everything anyone says is a lie.  I’ve lost all trust in people and maybe it’s due to the profession I’ve chosen to go into, but all my life, people have proven they don’t deserve my trust.  People became my friends not because they liked me for who I was, but for what I could do for them.  Sure, I’m not the smartest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pretty well for myself.  And because of that I never knew if people were only here to use me or actually wanted to be my friend.  I’ve seen so many friends over the years drift out my life because our friendship was one of convenience.  I could help them academically and that was all I was good for.  I’m not saying every friend I ever made was like that, for I do have some friends in my life who I can see are genuinely there for more than just what I can do to help them succeed.  And I don’t appreciate all those in my life who are there who are there just to see me fail.  I’m not perfect.  No one is, so stop putting me on that pedestal because I will fall.  Stop watching me as the ideal of perfection and then laughing at me, talking behind back when I fail.  I may not make as many mistakes because I’m meticulous.  I put so much time and effort into maintaining this facade.  Time and effort you never see, so you assume it comes naturally.  I’m not naturally intelligent.  It’s the habits I’ve developed over the years.  I’ve learned how to maximize the way I retain and learn things.  I make it look easy, but it’s not easy.  It never has been and never will be.  And while you all hate me when I say I only got a 90%, I honestly mean it.  I beat myself up, repeating to myself how stupid I am because I couldn’t remember the information that could have gotten me that 10% because I did know it and I know I should’ve done better.  Anything you can say to me, I have thought it a hundred times and thought up worse things.  So, yeah, I am insecure when you say these things to me because I already know I’m not perfect, but when you decide you’re going highlight it, make fun of me for it, and tell everyone so that they know how futile all my attempts at perfection are, I’m hurt by it.  I brush it off because people have told me I’m too sensitive, too emotional, I cry too much.  Even strong people cry.  We spend so much time pretending everything is ok.  We hold everything inside so that our facade doesn’t crack and show who we truly are inside.  We’re a mess, just like you, but we hide it, but sometimes when something incredibly stressful happens like a break up, we can’t hold it back anymore.  Like a dam, the pressure is to great to hold back.

I say so much, but ultimately, the words fail me.  I don’t have the eloquence I normally do.  If I were to die today, there would be no note.  I would just do it.  I would leave the world wondering why I did what I did.  I can see some people in my life clearly.  My dad.  Calling me an idiot for throwing my life away.  My classmate. “He is not worth dying for.  You would have gotten over him.”  If you have ever heard the song “The End of the World,” you’d understand how I’m feeling right now.  Because it is the end of my world.  He was and still is my world.  When I thought about break ups, I always thought I’d break up with someone because I stopped loving them.  I still love him.  And I can’t bear to let him go.  But in my heart I can’t help but think that its something I’ve done.  I am crazy; I’ll admit that much.  Maybe something I had done was the last straw for him and he says it’s not me, but a part of me says, yes it is.  And a part of me, a tiny part of me says that he’s not as good of a person as he appears to be.  He said he would never cheat on me, that he believes that communication and trust are the most important things in the relationship, but near the end I felt like he just stopped loving me.  That he started loving someone else.  In the beginning I could just go into his phone and he wouldn’t even react.  Now he asks me what I’m doing and why I’m so nosy and snooping all the time.  He says he’s not hiding anything, but they’re just words.  I don’t believe them anymore.

I don’t fail often.  I want everything to work out.  I want this to work out.  Sure we didn’t technically break up, but I want to come back from this break, I want to prove to those who were happy that we weren’t together anymore that we were meant to be together.  I want us to work because I’ve never met anyone who understands me as much as he does.  We work so well together and the people I’ve talked to thought we were really good together.  I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS! I don’t know how else to say it.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to make this work.  But maybe I’ve scared him off.  Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m just so tired of putting in so much effort and yielding nothing from it.  I’m tired of giving away parts  of me to watch people throw it away.  I’m tired of fighting a battle I don’t care about anymore.  I’m tired of having my heart ripped out and told to just suck it up and get over it.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  No one really cares about me anyways.  All I’ve ever been is a burden.

Restaurant Review: Wami Ootoya

Location:  130, 3820 Brentwood Rd NW
Website:  http://wamiootoya.com/

On this cold miserable day, I had a rare day to myself and since Val had an appointment in the afternoon, and the restaurant we originally decided on didn’t open until 12, which would be cutting it close, we decided to come here.

We arrived when it just opened so there wasn’t exactly a line up or need for a reservation as the website suggested.  At first, we were seated at a table for two, but after seeing how much food we ordered, the waiter asked if we wanted to move to a larger table, which we did.

The dishes came out with surprising speed.  First was the wakame, which was pretty standard, followed by the beef tataki.  The tataki was also quite ordinary, but was covered with a lot of onion (2 varieties, both raw, one green, one white) and fried garlic.  Instead of a ponzu sauce, it had tataki sauce (whatever that is, it was milder than ponzu sauce and more like a soy sauce).  I don’t usually eat beef tataki, so I don’t have as seasoned of a palette when it comes to it, but in Val’s opinion, it’s better with ponzu.  She also made an observation that I agree with.  While I love onions, there’s such a thing as too much onion.  Shortly after, the takoyaki arrived.  There was an inconsistency in size and texture.  Val got some with a crunchy exterior and soft interior, while mine kinda just fell apart.  Next the Ika Geso Age came.  Like I’ve said in many reviews, squid/calamari/octopus is my favourite thing in the world.  So of course we had to get something squidy.  The tear shaped bowl was a perfect choice for presenting the dish.  The portion size was also pretty good because deep fried food can often be heavy and greasy.  The chili mayo was a little different from most of the chili mayos I’ve had in the past, there was more of a tangy note to it which definitely helped with the greasy heaviness.  The sashimi and tuna poke tower came at the same time.  Val was really impressed by the thick cut of the sashimi.  She described the tuna as being toro-esque, meaning it had a visible grain and had an almost melt in your mouth quality, but not quite as good as toro because well…toro is toro (toro=tuna belly).  The tuna poke tower was the biggest disappointment (although not the only one, it was the first of many to come).  First off, there was a serious lack of sauce.  Pokes usually have soy sauce and sesame oil and a blend of seasonings that are unique to different restaurants that make them appealing.  Rereading the menu, I realized that it was supposed to come with a wasabi dressing, but that apparently never happened.  This was honestly just a stack of avocados, tomatoes, ahi tuna (that was pretty hard to find), and a “brick” of imitation crab topped with an ebi sliced in half.  There was some kind of onion and tomato salsa served on the side with 6 triangle shaped wontons that reminded me more tortillas.  Overall, the tower was bland and boring and I wouldn’t order it again.  I didn’t know/notice this, but on the sign out front, if we ordered more than $50 worth of food, we would get a complimentary katsu don.  The curry, though not Japanese, was delicious.  The rice was cooked on the drier side, so that you could make out the separate grains when you ate it, which is the way I like it.  I could honestly eat a bowl of rice with just the curry sauce (which had coconut in it) with no need for the katsu.  Finally the rolls came last.  The Hip Hop Roll had spicy tuna, fried onion bits, spicy imitation crab, tobiko, cucumber, and mayo.  Whatever it was they added to make the tuna spicy left it tasting really weird.  I didn’t like the overall taste it left in my mouth.  The Sakura Blossom Roll looked really pretty with the mango, avocado, scallop, masago, salmon, topped with key lime thyme pepper aioli sauce, but taste was a completely different matter.  First off, I didn’t even see that there was scallop in there, which I don’t particularly like raw anyways. The key lime thyme pepper aioli…I don’t even have words to describe.  I’m sure it would be delicious on anything else other than sushi, but on sushi…no, just no.

At the end of the meal, they presented us with a complimentary dessert: coconut jello.  The wooden spoons were so cute!  But the choice to serve it in a shot glass was an interesting one.  It made it hard to get out of the glass to eat.  Coconut jello is coconut jello.  Regardless of which restaurant, it’s prepared from the same mixture, so it all tastes the same.

The table settings were very cute.  The dish for the soy sauce was a little fish, the cast iron teapot (though very heavy) was very intricately designed, and the metal chopsticks (slightly modified from the flat Korean chopsticks) were very sleek.  And although I couldn’t see it, I really love open concept kitchens.  It gives me something to do while I’m waiting for my food, and also, allows me to see when my food is coming.

While my dad had a disgusting experience when he came to this restaurant, nothing in this visit indicated that to me.  I would definitely try their ramen the next time I come because in a short conversation Val had with our waiter, they make the ramen in house, so that would probably be their primary focus (and what they want to be known for as their specialty).  In addition that, they have a cafe upstairs serving bubble tea, snacks, etc.

Based on my experience today, I would rate it 4/5 and would come back.

Open Kitchen

Cast Iron Teapot and Table settings

Wakame Salad

Beef Tataki

Takoyaki

Ika Geso Age

Tuna and Salmon Sashimi; Tuna Poke Tower

Wami Katsu Don

Hip Hop Roll

Sakura Blossom “Roll”

Coconut Jello