Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘suicide’

Should I go Today

I’m tired.  Just tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  What’s the point anymore?  I work so hard, but for what?  Why?  I kill myself everyday to get a job, to be the top of my class, to be someone that my parents can be proud of.  Why?  What’s the point?  Why do we have to create a purpose in life?  Why can’t we just survive and take each day as it comes?  Why do we put so much emphasis on success, ambition?  I look back and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve accomplished so much, but feel like I’m worthless.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I’m just a burden on everyone around and that everything anyone says is a lie.  I’ve lost all trust in people and maybe it’s due to the profession I’ve chosen to go into, but all my life, people have proven they don’t deserve my trust.  People became my friends not because they liked me for who I was, but for what I could do for them.  Sure, I’m not the smartest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pretty well for myself.  And because of that I never knew if people were only here to use me or actually wanted to be my friend.  I’ve seen so many friends over the years drift out my life because our friendship was one of convenience.  I could help them academically and that was all I was good for.  I’m not saying every friend I ever made was like that, for I do have some friends in my life who I can see are genuinely there for more than just what I can do to help them succeed.  And I don’t appreciate all those in my life who are there who are there just to see me fail.  I’m not perfect.  No one is, so stop putting me on that pedestal because I will fall.  Stop watching me as the ideal of perfection and then laughing at me, talking behind back when I fail.  I may not make as many mistakes because I’m meticulous.  I put so much time and effort into maintaining this facade.  Time and effort you never see, so you assume it comes naturally.  I’m not naturally intelligent.  It’s the habits I’ve developed over the years.  I’ve learned how to maximize the way I retain and learn things.  I make it look easy, but it’s not easy.  It never has been and never will be.  And while you all hate me when I say I only got a 90%, I honestly mean it.  I beat myself up, repeating to myself how stupid I am because I couldn’t remember the information that could have gotten me that 10% because I did know it and I know I should’ve done better.  Anything you can say to me, I have thought it a hundred times and thought up worse things.  So, yeah, I am insecure when you say these things to me because I already know I’m not perfect, but when you decide you’re going highlight it, make fun of me for it, and tell everyone so that they know how futile all my attempts at perfection are, I’m hurt by it.  I brush it off because people have told me I’m too sensitive, too emotional, I cry too much.  Even strong people cry.  We spend so much time pretending everything is ok.  We hold everything inside so that our facade doesn’t crack and show who we truly are inside.  We’re a mess, just like you, but we hide it, but sometimes when something incredibly stressful happens like a break up, we can’t hold it back anymore.  Like a dam, the pressure is to great to hold back.

I say so much, but ultimately, the words fail me.  I don’t have the eloquence I normally do.  If I were to die today, there would be no note.  I would just do it.  I would leave the world wondering why I did what I did.  I can see some people in my life clearly.  My dad.  Calling me an idiot for throwing my life away.  My classmate. “He is not worth dying for.  You would have gotten over him.”  If you have ever heard the song “The End of the World,” you’d understand how I’m feeling right now.  Because it is the end of my world.  He was and still is my world.  When I thought about break ups, I always thought I’d break up with someone because I stopped loving them.  I still love him.  And I can’t bear to let him go.  But in my heart I can’t help but think that its something I’ve done.  I am crazy; I’ll admit that much.  Maybe something I had done was the last straw for him and he says it’s not me, but a part of me says, yes it is.  And a part of me, a tiny part of me says that he’s not as good of a person as he appears to be.  He said he would never cheat on me, that he believes that communication and trust are the most important things in the relationship, but near the end I felt like he just stopped loving me.  That he started loving someone else.  In the beginning I could just go into his phone and he wouldn’t even react.  Now he asks me what I’m doing and why I’m so nosy and snooping all the time.  He says he’s not hiding anything, but they’re just words.  I don’t believe them anymore.

I don’t fail often.  I want everything to work out.  I want this to work out.  Sure we didn’t technically break up, but I want to come back from this break, I want to prove to those who were happy that we weren’t together anymore that we were meant to be together.  I want us to work because I’ve never met anyone who understands me as much as he does.  We work so well together and the people I’ve talked to thought we were really good together.  I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS! I don’t know how else to say it.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to make this work.  But maybe I’ve scared him off.  Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m just so tired of putting in so much effort and yielding nothing from it.  I’m tired of giving away parts  of me to watch people throw it away.  I’m tired of fighting a battle I don’t care about anymore.  I’m tired of having my heart ripped out and told to just suck it up and get over it.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  No one really cares about me anyways.  All I’ve ever been is a burden.

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Goodbye at Last

He left her there
Crying in the hotel room
To party with his pals

He left her crying
To go drinking
Because he couldn’t deal with her

Even in his embrace
In his kiss goodbye
He didn’t care how hurt and broken her heart had become
He had no love
No affection
No emotion
Left for her

She was a burden
But he had poured in so much time
So much money
That to leave
Was much worse than putting up with her

She lay there while he
Gambled away their future
Drank away their dreams
Becoming more and more hollow
Cold
And distant

When his head cleared
When he realized her words had merit
That behind her tears and vulnerability
Was true love
He didn’t rush up to meet her
He didn’t call or text her

Instead he let her think
He let her wallow in sorrow and self-pity
He let her worry about her insecurities
What was she to him?
Who was she?
Did it matter if she lived or died?

She knew now
That the world would be a better place
That he would be a better man
Without her

No one would miss her
She was sure
She could be replaced

After all
She was just a vessel
To carry a child
What did it matter?
It could be anyone

It had just been fate
Convenience
That threw them together

She loved him
She knew that much
But he didn’t love her
For who could love a nobody
An insecure, bat-shit crazy girl like her?

_______________________

He returned to their room
After drinks and sex
Why couldn’t she be like those easy girls?
Why couldn’t she just give in to his desires?

He glanced at her sleeping form
Shrugging and disappearing into the bathroom

He felt good
And why wouldn’t he?
He hummed to himself
Cleaning up before climbing into bed next to her

But something felt wrong
Something felt strange

He flicked on the lights to find nothing but a bundle of clothes
His heart filled with dread as he called out for her
She didn’t respond
She couldn’t
Not anymore

He found her lying in the bathtub
Still as could be
Pale as the moonlight
Her breath shallow
She lay there drowning in her own blood
Barely aware of his presence

Still
She knew he was there
She knew she had finally proven her courage to do what she had just done
She smiled
One last time
One last breath

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