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Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

Should I go Today

I’m tired.  Just tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  What’s the point anymore?  I work so hard, but for what?  Why?  I kill myself everyday to get a job, to be the top of my class, to be someone that my parents can be proud of.  Why?  What’s the point?  Why do we have to create a purpose in life?  Why can’t we just survive and take each day as it comes?  Why do we put so much emphasis on success, ambition?  I look back and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve accomplished so much, but feel like I’m worthless.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I’m just a burden on everyone around and that everything anyone says is a lie.  I’ve lost all trust in people and maybe it’s due to the profession I’ve chosen to go into, but all my life, people have proven they don’t deserve my trust.  People became my friends not because they liked me for who I was, but for what I could do for them.  Sure, I’m not the smartest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pretty well for myself.  And because of that I never knew if people were only here to use me or actually wanted to be my friend.  I’ve seen so many friends over the years drift out my life because our friendship was one of convenience.  I could help them academically and that was all I was good for.  I’m not saying every friend I ever made was like that, for I do have some friends in my life who I can see are genuinely there for more than just what I can do to help them succeed.  And I don’t appreciate all those in my life who are there who are there just to see me fail.  I’m not perfect.  No one is, so stop putting me on that pedestal because I will fall.  Stop watching me as the ideal of perfection and then laughing at me, talking behind back when I fail.  I may not make as many mistakes because I’m meticulous.  I put so much time and effort into maintaining this facade.  Time and effort you never see, so you assume it comes naturally.  I’m not naturally intelligent.  It’s the habits I’ve developed over the years.  I’ve learned how to maximize the way I retain and learn things.  I make it look easy, but it’s not easy.  It never has been and never will be.  And while you all hate me when I say I only got a 90%, I honestly mean it.  I beat myself up, repeating to myself how stupid I am because I couldn’t remember the information that could have gotten me that 10% because I did know it and I know I should’ve done better.  Anything you can say to me, I have thought it a hundred times and thought up worse things.  So, yeah, I am insecure when you say these things to me because I already know I’m not perfect, but when you decide you’re going highlight it, make fun of me for it, and tell everyone so that they know how futile all my attempts at perfection are, I’m hurt by it.  I brush it off because people have told me I’m too sensitive, too emotional, I cry too much.  Even strong people cry.  We spend so much time pretending everything is ok.  We hold everything inside so that our facade doesn’t crack and show who we truly are inside.  We’re a mess, just like you, but we hide it, but sometimes when something incredibly stressful happens like a break up, we can’t hold it back anymore.  Like a dam, the pressure is to great to hold back.

I say so much, but ultimately, the words fail me.  I don’t have the eloquence I normally do.  If I were to die today, there would be no note.  I would just do it.  I would leave the world wondering why I did what I did.  I can see some people in my life clearly.  My dad.  Calling me an idiot for throwing my life away.  My classmate. “He is not worth dying for.  You would have gotten over him.”  If you have ever heard the song “The End of the World,” you’d understand how I’m feeling right now.  Because it is the end of my world.  He was and still is my world.  When I thought about break ups, I always thought I’d break up with someone because I stopped loving them.  I still love him.  And I can’t bear to let him go.  But in my heart I can’t help but think that its something I’ve done.  I am crazy; I’ll admit that much.  Maybe something I had done was the last straw for him and he says it’s not me, but a part of me says, yes it is.  And a part of me, a tiny part of me says that he’s not as good of a person as he appears to be.  He said he would never cheat on me, that he believes that communication and trust are the most important things in the relationship, but near the end I felt like he just stopped loving me.  That he started loving someone else.  In the beginning I could just go into his phone and he wouldn’t even react.  Now he asks me what I’m doing and why I’m so nosy and snooping all the time.  He says he’s not hiding anything, but they’re just words.  I don’t believe them anymore.

I don’t fail often.  I want everything to work out.  I want this to work out.  Sure we didn’t technically break up, but I want to come back from this break, I want to prove to those who were happy that we weren’t together anymore that we were meant to be together.  I want us to work because I’ve never met anyone who understands me as much as he does.  We work so well together and the people I’ve talked to thought we were really good together.  I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS! I don’t know how else to say it.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to make this work.  But maybe I’ve scared him off.  Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m just so tired of putting in so much effort and yielding nothing from it.  I’m tired of giving away parts  of me to watch people throw it away.  I’m tired of fighting a battle I don’t care about anymore.  I’m tired of having my heart ripped out and told to just suck it up and get over it.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  No one really cares about me anyways.  All I’ve ever been is a burden.


Happy Valentine’s Day?

When I was a kid celebrating Valentine’s Day for the first time, I didn’t really understand the point of this day. What kind of holiday involved buying expensive gifts you couldn’t afford for people and eating mountains of chocolate?

As I grew up, I felt as though Valentine’s Day was more about the commercialism and less about love. Valentine’s Day promoted values I didn’t believe in: buying people’s affection. I can understand how effective that might be in the short term, but in the long term…ehn…not so much. This day was supposed to be about the loved ones in our lives, the people who mean the most to us. There was a time when Valentine’s  Day would make me feel absolutely worthless because I’d look around at all the couples, all the people who had someone else to love in their lives and think that I’d never be one of them. And sometimes I still look at people like this and think that I’ll be forever alone, but I no longer look at this as being a curse or something terrible. In time I’ve grown and learned to love myself and build my self-esteem, I’ve learned that dependency on others isn’t the way I want to live my life. I can be happy without someone. But of course that means the opposite as well, just because there’s someone in my life doesn’t mean I’m gonna be unhappy about it. Life isn’t black and white.

So what I’m saying is today is not the only day you should be expressing your love for those around you. And showing your love isn’t just about buying them expensive trinket. Sometimes all someone wants or needs is your time. It’s the memories you make that cannot be captured, but will be forever remembered that make all the difference. So next Valentine’s Day, just think about the people you love and spend some time with them, listen to the stories they have, or just do something you all enjoy.

You Better Make Damn Sure

I’ve always known that I should never make someone as a priority when all I am to them is an option. It really hurts me because you said that honesty and loyalty are the most important things to you. And as much as I want to believe that, I know that can’t be true. Because there is no one in the world who is so busy that they won’t make time for those they love, there is no one in the world who won’t make time to spend with friends. And sure it’s easy to say that I should cut him out of my life, to choose to let him go, life is hardly ever so clear cut, life is hardly ever so easy.

A part of me loves the things that he is, the things that he does, and the man that he’s grown into. A part of me knows that I will keep loving him even when the walls come crumbling down around me with no hope of escape. I would die and give my life so that he could live, so that he could be happy and what crushes me most is that I’m learning that he’s not the kind of man who would do the same.

You can lie to me and maybe I’m naive for believing you, but you better be damn sure I never find out what you’ve done. I will always believe in the best in people even when I deal with the worst of them on a daily basis. I refuse to let this world harden me. For though I appear tough and independent, though I appear to be able to hold my own and be happy and smile and joke, inside, I am constantly falling apart, I am constantly giving up my own happiness to see you smile.

Sure I didn’t have the worst childhood in the world, but I didn’t have the best. So many things were kept from me and I didn’t learn of love until too late. Each time I’ve fallen in love, I’ve heard the words “that’s nice” or even a callous laugh. I have never been told that I’m beautiful or have done a good job. All I know is that which I cannot do, that I’m useless and good for nothing. And though I prove myself time and time again, capable of such great things, with a self-esteem so low, with a self worth that is non-existent, I cannot survive for much longer. Everyday I can feel a bit of my sanity slipping away. I can pretend that I’m happy and that I’m confident, but the truth is, is that I’m not all that.  I can pretend so well that sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I’m alright, when in actuality I am not. Maybe I can fool the world around me, but I know the demons that lie within me. They will never die. Always fueled by self hatred and depreciation.

I won’t go on waiting for a future that doesn’t exist. I never believed that I would fall in love. Never believed that there is someone out there for me. Who could ever want someone as broken and scarred as me? The romantic in me hopes, but the realist tells me not to because it knows, it knows how to spare me the pain. But the romantic always wins, there’s always hope. And from my hope I’ve grown to be quite the masochist. Without pain, I don’t know how to feel anymore. Without pain, there’s no pleasure. I hurt myself to produce the best literature I have ever written. My best poetry especially is born of the excruciating anguish, but it is also born of extreme love. I will always welcome this pain.

So in other words, I never want to stop feeling these emotions. I never want this pain of hoping for a future that doesn’t exist to end. I will fight to my dying breath with words that are the songs of my soul.

My Dream Wedding

First of all, I’m torn. Torn between having the wedding of the century, the most extravagant and memorable wedding ever and simply signing the marriage licence before a marriage commissioner and two witnesses and calling it a day. But this conflict does not come as a surprise to me. As I’ve shown through my poetry and other posts, I am a mass of contractions, each day a battle between the logical and the creative. The logical side of me tells me to save my money. To spend it on what matters, a house, a car, my family. The creative side tells me to live my dreams. To perform for the world, the role I’ve always imagined myself in.

My dream wedding is not a wedding. Not one single idea, but two separate and incompatible ideas. My first idea is more traditional in its conventions. The colours I want are cream, silver, and pastel purple. Pastel colours have always suited me and purple my favourite among them. The bodice of my dress would be made of lace. As beautiful as a strapless dress would be, I have always found them to be rather uncomfortable and thus the dress would have to extend over my shoulders. I haven’t decided whether I’d like the sheer lace should extend up to my neck or whether it should stop where a strapless dress would and have sheer material for the rest of the way up. From the waist down I’d like a skirt made of flowing, light material that moves smoothly as I walk. My bridesmaids would be dressed in pastel purple with deep purple and/or silver accents. The venue would have purple “curtains” of gossamer hanging across the ceiling like waves, coming down and giving the effect that we’re kind of in a tent (maybe that’s not the best way to describe what I’m seeing in my head, but I’m doing my best!). The cake would be three tiers, circular with a cascade of pastel purple flowers (most likely roses) that wind around the cake with darker purple butterflies and silver accents. With this wedding type I’d have to go with a traditional Western style wedding and reception.

The second wedding plays a little more to a different, nerdier side of me. Maybe it has to do with the guy I’m currently into, but I still think it’d be a cool idea: a cross between Batman and Disney. I feel like this would be such an epic and fun wedding reception to go to. My dress would be a Cinderella dress or Cinderella wedding dress (designed by Alfred Angelo, see picture below), fitting, as Cinderella was my favourite Disney Princess growing up. The groom would dress in his usual way, but concealed beneath his suit is a Batman suit. It would proceed as a normal reception is expected to, but then a villian (probably the Joker) bursts in and tries to kidnap me, knocking the groom aside. The groom “disappears” and returns in full costume and an epic fight scene ensues. Of course he wins and the “police” show up to arrest the Joker and the wedding resumes as it should. I know how cheesy it sounds, but it would be a day I’d never forget. The wedding cake would be a compromise of course. The topper would be Batman and Cinderella, not sure if I’d just want them facing one another or if I’d want her to be in his arms at this point. Half the cake would be black and yellow with the Batman logo and the other white with blue and silver flowers and butterflies. I don’t want it to be a clear division like the example picture below, but I want it to look as though when you “chip” away the exterior, you reveal the Batman part of the cake below so there is a cross over. The flowers and butterflies would wind around the cake just like in my first wedding idea. This is to show the union between both parties and that despite the fact that I’m a princess, there’s still this nerdy side to me.

I’m sure regardless of what I go with, my parents will want me to host a traditional Chinese style wedding. That would happen in the morning and involves the groom trying to bribe his way into the house, trials the groom will have to successfully complete to win my hand in marriage, and of course the tea ceremony.

Thinking about this future makes me truly happy, but I know that deep inside, it doesn’t matter what ends up happening. If I have the chance to marry my best friend, if I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with my muse, no matter what kind of wedding we have I know that we will love each other forever and that is all that matters. And that is true happiness.

Cinderella Wedding Gown

Cinderella Wedding Gown

Batman-Disney Wedding Cake

Batman-Disney Wedding Cake


Never in my life
Have I met someone
I hate as much as I hate you

I say what I mean
I speak and wear my heart on my sleeve
Not encrypted bullshit
And egotism

I don’t brag or boast
About what I’m capable of
I don’t tell my superiors that I am better than they
As you have done

I have no respect for the likes of you
For you have none for me

You are a lying, useless piece of shit
If you die in a hole
In agonized pain
No one will miss you
You fucking bitch

I hope that one day
I am so lucky
To see you suffer such a fate

How do you break up with someone you never officially dated?

Today I read an article about when you break up with someone you never officially dated and immediately related to it. I mean, considering the state of our society today, where hook ups are as common as breathing (thanks to Tinder and those kinds of apps) and friends with benefits are just another type of friend to acquire, I wasn’t surprised that I too had been a part of one.

We all have our own reasons for entering into these kinds of relationships. For me in particular, i have commitment issues. Though it’s my ultimate dream to be married and have a family and stuff like that, it’s hard for me to open because of what’s happened in the past. I’m typically a very sensitive person, so the slightest thing has the biggest effects on me. I guess it’s not so much commitment issues as trust issues. A relationship should be built on trust, but I still remember the first time I confessed my love for someone in junior high and he laughed in my face. It hurt so much, but we kept in touch because of the mutual benefits we could reap from one another (I know this was the case because after we graduated from high school we didn’t talk to each other again for another two to three years).

This year I met someone that I had feelings for in high school (not the same guy as above who laughed in my face). I had no idea that we were so compatible in so many ways. We had a lot of similarities in terms of world views and how to raise a family and the same weird tastes, but the one thing that was dissimilar was our work ethic. He was…I don’t want to say lazy, but lazy and it was something I couldn’t stand. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was my equal, not someone I would have to mother. It was then I knew I couldn’t pursue as serious relationship with him and opted for a less than traditional relationship. I mean, for one, he was already in a relationship, but he hated the girl he was with. He confided in me and we would have intellectual exchanges that he couldn’t have with his girlfriend. I felt bad at times because I know how I’d feel if the person I loved was seeing someone else because i couldn’t provide him with the things that he needed.

What I didn’t expect was how much it would hurt when we decided to break it off. Unlike a traditional relationship, there’s no saying “ok, we’re over.” It just stopped. It went from texting and calling for twelve to fourteen hours a day to once in a few days and then now, it’s been weeks…Sometimes, when I think about it, it hurts as much as if I had been in a serious relationship because I did give up a part of myself. To be able to disconnect like he did, I do envy that, but would that make me as cold and as unfeeling as this world in which we now live? I refuse to let this world make me insensitive and hard.

I have no problem waiting for the right one. But having never been in a relationship before, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I can’t be perfect…I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again. I’m afraid that my head will ruin my heart. All I know is that when I find the right one, my heart won’t be pounding, I will be calm and at peace. And I know that I will love them with my everything.

Prompted by this article:

Breaking under the Pressure (Disclaimer: Don’t read if you’re easily offended because this may be about you and contains expletives a lot of them)

Lately the pressure has been building up and I haven’t really had an outlet for it. Mostly it’s frustration and anger and punching things doesn’t always work. It’s my first time actually working full time and I can honestly say that I prefer being a full time student; the stresses of schoolwork are nothing compared to the “real world.”

Sure people say that work is so much easier because you don’t have to bring your work home, but sometimes just going in to work, seeing the same people and dealing with the same shit or even having that shit pile up starts to take its toll.

When I first started working, I loved it. I still love that I have so much to learn and the few good customers make my job worthwhile. But the longer I stay at this job the less I feel like I want to stay. I know for certain that this job isn’t something that I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do a good job or devote all my attention to it. However, as time went on, I stopped caring. Now, I’m not the kind of person who does a half-ass job and calls it a day when my shift ends. I am the kind of person who will keep working and doing my job even after I’ve clocked out for the day and keep thinking about it long after my day ends. To make me stop caring means I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit and I’m just past my breaking point.

I started this job as an introvert. My manager even said when i first started I was like a mouse, but now I’ve grown and changed and am able to speak out a bit more. I’m proud of myself for doing that, but I can’t take all the credit. I’d have to say it takes the right kind of person to be able to bring that side out of you. Only with her am I as loud and obnoxious as I am at home. But we are all human and we all have our flaws. She is much more extroverted than I am which makes her more personable and easy to get along with. I envy that because, yes, I am a nice person, but it takes time for me to open up and sometimes my silence is mistaken for coldness or rudeness. I still have trouble with eye contact, not sure why, but it is intimidating for me to maintain eye contact with anyone for more than a few seconds. As a writer, I love to tell beautiful lies and one of my coworkers tells it like it is. Sure, being frank is a good thing, but there is a right and wrong way of saying it. Writing will always be the best way for me to express myself. As fun as she is to talk to, sometimes, some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is kinda racist/stereotyping. And the other manager? Ugh, she is downright exhausting. She’s always asking me to do all kinds of things, but my plate is so full sometimes that I think I’m going to explode. And of course, there are people in our office who can’t do things right or are just downright lazy. But despite all that, I love them all. They are all good people. And that’s just it, they are people. They aren’t perfect, but neither am I. We all have our flaws and strengths, that’s what makes us all such a good team.

Recently, we’ve had a new addition to the team and I find her incredibly rude. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate her. Do you remember the high school drama queen and what a bitch she was? How she went about making the lives of everyone super miserable? And how she had absolutely no regard for authority? Yeah, well this is our new hire. On her first day, she just kept talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and for fuck’s sake woman SHUT UP! Nothing of value comes out of that mouth and all she keeps saying is about how great of a person she is, how much experience she had doing stuff and essentially just bragging to anyone who will listen. Sure, self-promotion is important, but when people are talking to you and trying to genuinely get to know you, stop sounding so defensive and making everything sound as though you are going through an interview. She is just like a child. When a parent says, “No, don’t do that.” She goes and does it. Like, right now, you don’t know anything, so listen to what you’re told. When you have as much experience as the others in this office, then you can go do what the fuck you want, but until then just fucking do as you’re fucking told! Also, I don’t know about you, but when someone doesn’t want to talk to you, the grown up thing to do is to just do your own thing and just eat your lunch. Instead, this girl picks up her lunch, throws it into her bag and slams the door behind her, opting to sit in her car and eat merely because I didn’t want to talk since I use my lunch time to recover from all the talking I have to do and will have to do once my lunch is over. Next thing is that she is such a clingy little baby. I have never met anyone in the workforce who says “oh you can’t leave me” or “OMG, she left without saying bye to me.” Clearly, you have some insecurity issues that you need to work out. Also, telling me that you only have friends who are guys…like really? Are you saying that if you don’t get along with the other women in this office that it’s not your fault because you don’t know how to handle other human beings who don’t treat you like a princess? I also take issue with the fact that you think that you can tell me what to do. Before I address that, I’d like to repeat m earlier question. Have you worked here for almost four years? Do you have the same qualifications as I do? No, then your point is moot and you should just shut up! Also, telling the manager that she’s doesn’t think what the manager suggested was a good idea is a stupid thing to do. Again, no experience, so shut up.

Honestly, she is like a high school student. There’s no other way to put it but that she is childish. I mean only a high school student would think to interpret the fact that other girls say she dresses like a slut as them being jealous of her for being so pretty. On that note, also, once a coworker complimented her on her shirt. Know what she says? She doesn’t even say thanks, like normal people would. She says, “oh, I have so many shirts that it’s a struggle for me to pick out something to wear every morning.” Like what the actual fuck?

I’ve been able to put up with a lot, but I feel like I’ve reached my limit. I really want to quit, but I feel like I should just tough it out. I mean, how would it look? What would that say about me as a person if I just ran away from my problems? I will just keep working until I get into law school I guess. But for now, I’ll just see where life takes me….

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