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Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

The Damage of the Patriarchy

Prompt: pick a social issue you’re passionate about

Where do I begin?  I know that as I’m sitting here trying to think of a social issue I’m passionate about, nothing comes to mind, so hopefully, you’ll bear with me as I sift through my thoughts.

No, it’s not that I don’t have a social issue that I’m passionate about, but it’s just like that scenario when people ask you what is your favourite book or movie and every book or movie you’ve ever read or watched just vanishes from your mind.

I don’t want to be stereotypical, but I feel like feminism, in particular, the patriarchy, is something that I feel myself explaining over and over again.  Maybe feminism is no longer the right term for it because of the negative connotation it’s garnered in years, but at the moment there is no term that has been suggested, to my knowledge, that can replace it.

I can’t count how many times it comes up in discussions that feminism is only for females, that the patriarchy is only damaging to females.  But that’s not the case.  The main thing I want to focus on (because if I don’t focus on one thing we’ll be here all day), is the construct of the feminine and the masculine.  The idea of a woman being a nurturer, of being gentle and graceful and all that, I want to say is BS.  A woman can be all those things if she wants, but she doesn’t have to be.  I strongly believe that women can be anything they want to be.  Men too, but we’ll get to them in a minute.  The idea that a woman must be one thing or another is absurd.  As the quote goes, “everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”  Same thing applies here, some are fish, some monkeys, some are snakes.  Just like an animal isn’t wrong for being born as a fish, monkey or snake and doing what’s natural to them, a female isn’t wrong for doing what is natural to her.  And natural is doing what feels right to her, not what society dictates or feels is the right way for her to act.

What society thinks is the right way to act, of course, isn’t limited to restricting females into a certain framework, it does the same to males.  Males are not supposed to cry, to show emotion or weakness, to always protect a woman, provide for his family.  We expect this from males.  We expect them to be dependable and be a rock for his family, but what if that’s not natural for him either?  What if he likes to watch rom-coms?  What if he cries while watching them?  So what?  It doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t make him any less of a person.

Why do we judge people based on their gender/sex (yes, I know those are two different things, but I’m not getting into that right now)?  Why do we immediately form opinions about how one gender/sex ought to act?  Why can’t we just get to know somebody before we form opinions because what really matters is the content of their hearts, the development of their souls, not what they look like.

This is clearly a shorter version of my usual spiel, but I suddenly forgot how to words, so forgive me.

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Creative Duality

Prompt: write about a dual quality (strength but weakness) of either in general or for yourself

This is possibly the most difficult question I’m faced with whenever I go into an interview.  Like an article I read, sometimes it’s hard to find the balance between completely devaluing yourself and coming off as being boastful.  It’s been said that the best strengths are weaknesses and vice versa.  The first answer that comes to me is perfectionism.  Perfectionism is all encompassing.  You can achieve so much as a perfectionist, you have incredibly high standards because, well, you’re essentially saying that you or the product you produce is perfect or near perfect and you wouldn’t submit it if it wasn’t that way.  And, of course, the flip is always something like you are too detail-oriented you fail to see the big picture or maybe because everything has to be perfect, it takes you a little longer than others to do the project because you’re checking every little detail.

I get it.  I am one.  So finding another quality to describe me is hard, but I think I’ve done it.

My weakness and my strength is my creativity.

But wait?  How can creativity be a weakness?  Let me explain by first telling you how it’s a strength for me.  Considering I’m a part of a September Writing Challenge that revolves around prompts that change every day, designed to challenge me by making me write something on the fly, I am utilizing a lot of creative ability here. (which can also be likened to improv, but this is a little less improv-y than improv).  The fact that I have a blog dedicated to my poetry and short stories, shows that I have a huge imagination.  Creativity is a skill.  I’ve trained really hard to get to where I am now.  Sure, sometimes it just looks like I don’t put in any effort, but that’s kind of the point.  Sure, I say I just let the words flow from my brain to my fingers onto a screen on written out on a piece of paper, but there’s a lot more going on than that.  It’s been wired into my brain so that I write as easily as I breathe.

Now consider this.  I’ve put my whole life into making writing look easy.  I’ve studied this skill for years and I can say that I still don’t have mastery over every aspect of it and I know that I never will.  Writing is one of those things you never stop learning.  I’ll always make mistakes, grammar and otherwise.  But my brain has been conditioned to think this way and if you ask me to think logically about something, I’m not saying I can’t do it, but it’s gonna be a hell of a lot harder.  I’ve developed my right brain so much that sometimes what comes out of my mouth is pure stupidity because it isn’t even processed or touched by the left brain.  Sure, there was a time when I was heavily left-brained, but having not utilized those skills for such a long time, my brain adapted and discarded the knowledge I no longer needed.  I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s so much harder.  I learned this about myself while studying and taking the LSAT.  Logic utilizes the brain in such a way that it’s not used to.  For me, it’s not just the time constraints of the LSAT that gets me, it’s being able to make my brain think a certain way.  And for someone who had things come so naturally to her (please don’t hate me, but I’m probably the laziest student ever and if things didn’t come naturally to me as a kid, I just pretty much just abandoned them.  I’m the kind of kid who didn’t care why something happened; I just respected whatever authority told me.  Thankfully, I’m not like that now.), this was really hard.  Sometimes I wonder if I lack the maturity to be able to process logic, but in other ways, I think I am much more mature than my age.

So in short what I’m saying is that my brain has, in a way, specialized, but not in the way that what I do becomes inaccessible to others.  That’s what I find so cool about creative endeavours.  For something like physics or the hard sciences or even English and law, there is a set of defined terminology that you’re expected to know or a series of calculations.  These are inaccessible to “regular” people who aren’t privy to that knowledge, to people who haven’t studied in that field.  But the creative sphere is great in that people acknowledge that it takes a certain type of skill to produce that piece and that they may not necessarily possess that skill or that level of skill, but can still enjoy it.

Should I go Today

I’m tired.  Just tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  What’s the point anymore?  I work so hard, but for what?  Why?  I kill myself everyday to get a job, to be the top of my class, to be someone that my parents can be proud of.  Why?  What’s the point?  Why do we have to create a purpose in life?  Why can’t we just survive and take each day as it comes?  Why do we put so much emphasis on success, ambition?  I look back and I wonder if it’s worth it.

I’ve accomplished so much, but feel like I’m worthless.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I’m just a burden on everyone around and that everything anyone says is a lie.  I’ve lost all trust in people and maybe it’s due to the profession I’ve chosen to go into, but all my life, people have proven they don’t deserve my trust.  People became my friends not because they liked me for who I was, but for what I could do for them.  Sure, I’m not the smartest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do pretty well for myself.  And because of that I never knew if people were only here to use me or actually wanted to be my friend.  I’ve seen so many friends over the years drift out my life because our friendship was one of convenience.  I could help them academically and that was all I was good for.  I’m not saying every friend I ever made was like that, for I do have some friends in my life who I can see are genuinely there for more than just what I can do to help them succeed.  And I don’t appreciate all those in my life who are there who are there just to see me fail.  I’m not perfect.  No one is, so stop putting me on that pedestal because I will fall.  Stop watching me as the ideal of perfection and then laughing at me, talking behind back when I fail.  I may not make as many mistakes because I’m meticulous.  I put so much time and effort into maintaining this facade.  Time and effort you never see, so you assume it comes naturally.  I’m not naturally intelligent.  It’s the habits I’ve developed over the years.  I’ve learned how to maximize the way I retain and learn things.  I make it look easy, but it’s not easy.  It never has been and never will be.  And while you all hate me when I say I only got a 90%, I honestly mean it.  I beat myself up, repeating to myself how stupid I am because I couldn’t remember the information that could have gotten me that 10% because I did know it and I know I should’ve done better.  Anything you can say to me, I have thought it a hundred times and thought up worse things.  So, yeah, I am insecure when you say these things to me because I already know I’m not perfect, but when you decide you’re going highlight it, make fun of me for it, and tell everyone so that they know how futile all my attempts at perfection are, I’m hurt by it.  I brush it off because people have told me I’m too sensitive, too emotional, I cry too much.  Even strong people cry.  We spend so much time pretending everything is ok.  We hold everything inside so that our facade doesn’t crack and show who we truly are inside.  We’re a mess, just like you, but we hide it, but sometimes when something incredibly stressful happens like a break up, we can’t hold it back anymore.  Like a dam, the pressure is to great to hold back.

I say so much, but ultimately, the words fail me.  I don’t have the eloquence I normally do.  If I were to die today, there would be no note.  I would just do it.  I would leave the world wondering why I did what I did.  I can see some people in my life clearly.  My dad.  Calling me an idiot for throwing my life away.  My classmate. “He is not worth dying for.  You would have gotten over him.”  If you have ever heard the song “The End of the World,” you’d understand how I’m feeling right now.  Because it is the end of my world.  He was and still is my world.  When I thought about break ups, I always thought I’d break up with someone because I stopped loving them.  I still love him.  And I can’t bear to let him go.  But in my heart I can’t help but think that its something I’ve done.  I am crazy; I’ll admit that much.  Maybe something I had done was the last straw for him and he says it’s not me, but a part of me says, yes it is.  And a part of me, a tiny part of me says that he’s not as good of a person as he appears to be.  He said he would never cheat on me, that he believes that communication and trust are the most important things in the relationship, but near the end I felt like he just stopped loving me.  That he started loving someone else.  In the beginning I could just go into his phone and he wouldn’t even react.  Now he asks me what I’m doing and why I’m so nosy and snooping all the time.  He says he’s not hiding anything, but they’re just words.  I don’t believe them anymore.

I don’t fail often.  I want everything to work out.  I want this to work out.  Sure we didn’t technically break up, but I want to come back from this break, I want to prove to those who were happy that we weren’t together anymore that we were meant to be together.  I want us to work because I’ve never met anyone who understands me as much as he does.  We work so well together and the people I’ve talked to thought we were really good together.  I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS! I don’t know how else to say it.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to make this work.  But maybe I’ve scared him off.  Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.

I’m just so tired of putting in so much effort and yielding nothing from it.  I’m tired of giving away parts  of me to watch people throw it away.  I’m tired of fighting a battle I don’t care about anymore.  I’m tired of having my heart ripped out and told to just suck it up and get over it.  I just want the pain to go away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  No one really cares about me anyways.  All I’ve ever been is a burden.

Happy Valentine’s Day?

When I was a kid celebrating Valentine’s Day for the first time, I didn’t really understand the point of this day. What kind of holiday involved buying expensive gifts you couldn’t afford for people and eating mountains of chocolate?

As I grew up, I felt as though Valentine’s Day was more about the commercialism and less about love. Valentine’s Day promoted values I didn’t believe in: buying people’s affection. I can understand how effective that might be in the short term, but in the long term…ehn…not so much. This day was supposed to be about the loved ones in our lives, the people who mean the most to us. There was a time when Valentine’s  Day would make me feel absolutely worthless because I’d look around at all the couples, all the people who had someone else to love in their lives and think that I’d never be one of them. And sometimes I still look at people like this and think that I’ll be forever alone, but I no longer look at this as being a curse or something terrible. In time I’ve grown and learned to love myself and build my self-esteem, I’ve learned that dependency on others isn’t the way I want to live my life. I can be happy without someone. But of course that means the opposite as well, just because there’s someone in my life doesn’t mean I’m gonna be unhappy about it. Life isn’t black and white.

So what I’m saying is today is not the only day you should be expressing your love for those around you. And showing your love isn’t just about buying them expensive trinket. Sometimes all someone wants or needs is your time. It’s the memories you make that cannot be captured, but will be forever remembered that make all the difference. So next Valentine’s Day, just think about the people you love and spend some time with them, listen to the stories they have, or just do something you all enjoy.

You Better Make Damn Sure

I’ve always known that I should never make someone as a priority when all I am to them is an option. It really hurts me because you said that honesty and loyalty are the most important things to you. And as much as I want to believe that, I know that can’t be true. Because there is no one in the world who is so busy that they won’t make time for those they love, there is no one in the world who won’t make time to spend with friends. And sure it’s easy to say that I should cut him out of my life, to choose to let him go, life is hardly ever so clear cut, life is hardly ever so easy.

A part of me loves the things that he is, the things that he does, and the man that he’s grown into. A part of me knows that I will keep loving him even when the walls come crumbling down around me with no hope of escape. I would die and give my life so that he could live, so that he could be happy and what crushes me most is that I’m learning that he’s not the kind of man who would do the same.

You can lie to me and maybe I’m naive for believing you, but you better be damn sure I never find out what you’ve done. I will always believe in the best in people even when I deal with the worst of them on a daily basis. I refuse to let this world harden me. For though I appear tough and independent, though I appear to be able to hold my own and be happy and smile and joke, inside, I am constantly falling apart, I am constantly giving up my own happiness to see you smile.

Sure I didn’t have the worst childhood in the world, but I didn’t have the best. So many things were kept from me and I didn’t learn of love until too late. Each time I’ve fallen in love, I’ve heard the words “that’s nice” or even a callous laugh. I have never been told that I’m beautiful or have done a good job. All I know is that which I cannot do, that I’m useless and good for nothing. And though I prove myself time and time again, capable of such great things, with a self-esteem so low, with a self worth that is non-existent, I cannot survive for much longer. Everyday I can feel a bit of my sanity slipping away. I can pretend that I’m happy and that I’m confident, but the truth is, is that I’m not all that.  I can pretend so well that sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I’m alright, when in actuality I am not. Maybe I can fool the world around me, but I know the demons that lie within me. They will never die. Always fueled by self hatred and depreciation.

I won’t go on waiting for a future that doesn’t exist. I never believed that I would fall in love. Never believed that there is someone out there for me. Who could ever want someone as broken and scarred as me? The romantic in me hopes, but the realist tells me not to because it knows, it knows how to spare me the pain. But the romantic always wins, there’s always hope. And from my hope I’ve grown to be quite the masochist. Without pain, I don’t know how to feel anymore. Without pain, there’s no pleasure. I hurt myself to produce the best literature I have ever written. My best poetry especially is born of the excruciating anguish, but it is also born of extreme love. I will always welcome this pain.

So in other words, I never want to stop feeling these emotions. I never want this pain of hoping for a future that doesn’t exist to end. I will fight to my dying breath with words that are the songs of my soul.

My Dream Wedding

First of all, I’m torn. Torn between having the wedding of the century, the most extravagant and memorable wedding ever and simply signing the marriage licence before a marriage commissioner and two witnesses and calling it a day. But this conflict does not come as a surprise to me. As I’ve shown through my poetry and other posts, I am a mass of contractions, each day a battle between the logical and the creative. The logical side of me tells me to save my money. To spend it on what matters, a house, a car, my family. The creative side tells me to live my dreams. To perform for the world, the role I’ve always imagined myself in.

My dream wedding is not a wedding. Not one single idea, but two separate and incompatible ideas. My first idea is more traditional in its conventions. The colours I want are cream, silver, and pastel purple. Pastel colours have always suited me and purple my favourite among them. The bodice of my dress would be made of lace. As beautiful as a strapless dress would be, I have always found them to be rather uncomfortable and thus the dress would have to extend over my shoulders. I haven’t decided whether I’d like the sheer lace should extend up to my neck or whether it should stop where a strapless dress would and have sheer material for the rest of the way up. From the waist down I’d like a skirt made of flowing, light material that moves smoothly as I walk. My bridesmaids would be dressed in pastel purple with deep purple and/or silver accents. The venue would have purple “curtains” of gossamer hanging across the ceiling like waves, coming down and giving the effect that we’re kind of in a tent (maybe that’s not the best way to describe what I’m seeing in my head, but I’m doing my best!). The cake would be three tiers, circular with a cascade of pastel purple flowers (most likely roses) that wind around the cake with darker purple butterflies and silver accents. With this wedding type I’d have to go with a traditional Western style wedding and reception.

The second wedding plays a little more to a different, nerdier side of me. Maybe it has to do with the guy I’m currently into, but I still think it’d be a cool idea: a cross between Batman and Disney. I feel like this would be such an epic and fun wedding reception to go to. My dress would be a Cinderella dress or Cinderella wedding dress (designed by Alfred Angelo, see picture below), fitting, as Cinderella was my favourite Disney Princess growing up. The groom would dress in his usual way, but concealed beneath his suit is a Batman suit. It would proceed as a normal reception is expected to, but then a villian (probably the Joker) bursts in and tries to kidnap me, knocking the groom aside. The groom “disappears” and returns in full costume and an epic fight scene ensues. Of course he wins and the “police” show up to arrest the Joker and the wedding resumes as it should. I know how cheesy it sounds, but it would be a day I’d never forget. The wedding cake would be a compromise of course. The topper would be Batman and Cinderella, not sure if I’d just want them facing one another or if I’d want her to be in his arms at this point. Half the cake would be black and yellow with the Batman logo and the other white with blue and silver flowers and butterflies. I don’t want it to be a clear division like the example picture below, but I want it to look as though when you “chip” away the exterior, you reveal the Batman part of the cake below so there is a cross over. The flowers and butterflies would wind around the cake just like in my first wedding idea. This is to show the union between both parties and that despite the fact that I’m a princess, there’s still this nerdy side to me.

I’m sure regardless of what I go with, my parents will want me to host a traditional Chinese style wedding. That would happen in the morning and involves the groom trying to bribe his way into the house, trials the groom will have to successfully complete to win my hand in marriage, and of course the tea ceremony.

Thinking about this future makes me truly happy, but I know that deep inside, it doesn’t matter what ends up happening. If I have the chance to marry my best friend, if I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with my muse, no matter what kind of wedding we have I know that we will love each other forever and that is all that matters. And that is true happiness.

Cinderella Wedding Gown

Cinderella Wedding Gown


Batman-Disney Wedding Cake

Batman-Disney Wedding Cake

Hatred

Never in my life
Have I met someone
I hate as much as I hate you

I say what I mean
I speak and wear my heart on my sleeve
Not encrypted bullshit
And egotism

I don’t brag or boast
About what I’m capable of
I don’t tell my superiors that I am better than they
As you have done

I have no respect for the likes of you
For you have none for me

You are a lying, useless piece of shit
If you die in a hole
In agonized pain
No one will miss you
You fucking bitch

I hope that one day
I am so lucky
To see you suffer such a fate

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