Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘Work’

Breaking under the Pressure (Disclaimer: Don’t read if you’re easily offended because this may be about you and contains expletives a lot of them)

Lately the pressure has been building up and I haven’t really had an outlet for it. Mostly it’s frustration and anger and punching things doesn’t always work. It’s my first time actually working full time and I can honestly say that I prefer being a full time student; the stresses of schoolwork are nothing compared to the “real world.”

Sure people say that work is so much easier because you don’t have to bring your work home, but sometimes just going in to work, seeing the same people and dealing with the same shit or even having that shit pile up starts to take its toll.

When I first started working, I loved it. I still love that I have so much to learn and the few good customers make my job worthwhile. But the longer I stay at this job the less I feel like I want to stay. I know for certain that this job isn’t something that I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do a good job or devote all my attention to it. However, as time went on, I stopped caring. Now, I’m not the kind of person who does a half-ass job and calls it a day when my shift ends. I am the kind of person who will keep working and doing my job even after I’ve clocked out for the day and keep thinking about it long after my day ends. To make me stop caring means I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit and I’m just past my breaking point.

I started this job as an introvert. My manager even said when i first started I was like a mouse, but now I’ve grown and changed and am able to speak out a bit more. I’m proud of myself for doing that, but I can’t take all the credit. I’d have to say it takes the right kind of person to be able to bring that side out of you. Only with her am I as loud and obnoxious as I am at home. But we are all human and we all have our flaws. She is much more extroverted than I am which makes her more personable and easy to get along with. I envy that because, yes, I am a nice person, but it takes time for me to open up and sometimes my silence is mistaken for coldness or rudeness. I still have trouble with eye contact, not sure why, but it is intimidating for me to maintain eye contact with anyone for more than a few seconds. As a writer, I love to tell beautiful lies and one of my coworkers tells it like it is. Sure, being frank is a good thing, but there is a right and wrong way of saying it. Writing will always be the best way for me to express myself. As fun as she is to talk to, sometimes, some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is kinda racist/stereotyping. And the other manager? Ugh, she is downright exhausting. She’s always asking me to do all kinds of things, but my plate is so full sometimes that I think I’m going to explode. And of course, there are people in our office who can’t do things right or are just downright lazy. But despite all that, I love them all. They are all good people. And that’s just it, they are people. They aren’t perfect, but neither am I. We all have our flaws and strengths, that’s what makes us all such a good team.

Recently, we’ve had a new addition to the team and I find her incredibly rude. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate her. Do you remember the high school drama queen and what a bitch she was? How she went about making the lives of everyone super miserable? And how she had absolutely no regard for authority? Yeah, well this is our new hire. On her first day, she just kept talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and for fuck’s sake woman SHUT UP! Nothing of value comes out of that mouth and all she keeps saying is about how great of a person she is, how much experience she had doing stuff and essentially just bragging to anyone who will listen. Sure, self-promotion is important, but when people are talking to you and trying to genuinely get to know you, stop sounding so defensive and making everything sound as though you are going through an interview. She is just like a child. When a parent says, “No, don’t do that.” She goes and does it. Like, right now, you don’t know anything, so listen to what you’re told. When you have as much experience as the others in this office, then you can go do what the fuck you want, but until then just fucking do as you’re fucking told! Also, I don’t know about you, but when someone doesn’t want to talk to you, the grown up thing to do is to just do your own thing and just eat your lunch. Instead, this girl picks up her lunch, throws it into her bag and slams the door behind her, opting to sit in her car and eat merely because I didn’t want to talk since I use my lunch time to recover from all the talking I have to do and will have to do once my lunch is over. Next thing is that she is such a clingy little baby. I have never met anyone in the workforce who says “oh you can’t leave me” or “OMG, she left without saying bye to me.” Clearly, you have some insecurity issues that you need to work out. Also, telling me that you only have friends who are guys…like really? Are you saying that if you don’t get along with the other women in this office that it’s not your fault because you don’t know how to handle other human beings who don’t treat you like a princess? I also take issue with the fact that you think that you can tell me what to do. Before I address that, I’d like to repeat m earlier question. Have you worked here for almost four years? Do you have the same qualifications as I do? No, then your point is moot and you should just shut up! Also, telling the manager that she’s doesn’t think what the manager suggested was a good idea is a stupid thing to do. Again, no experience, so shut up.

Honestly, she is like a high school student. There’s no other way to put it but that she is childish. I mean only a high school student would think to interpret the fact that other girls say she dresses like a slut as them being jealous of her for being so pretty. On that note, also, once a coworker complimented her on her shirt. Know what she says? She doesn’t even say thanks, like normal people would. She says, “oh, I have so many shirts that it’s a struggle for me to pick out something to wear every morning.” Like what the actual fuck?

I’ve been able to put up with a lot, but I feel like I’ve reached my limit. I really want to quit, but I feel like I should just tough it out. I mean, how would it look? What would that say about me as a person if I just ran away from my problems? I will just keep working until I get into law school I guess. But for now, I’ll just see where life takes me….

Stress, I’m beginning to feel it, are you?

As the last semester of my final year draws to a close, tensions are running high for me. I can hardly remember where these four years have gone, but here I am in the last few weeks struggling to focus on my remaining assignments. It’s not that they are boring, no, in fact, quite the contrary. The story of King Edward II is great, there is so much to explore in his death, but I can’t bring myself to read the necessary articles to actually get on writing the paper. Even now, I’m debating about whether I should be writing about Edward, homosexuality/homophobia, and torture because I’m beginning to feel that I would much rather write about Isabella. I haven’t the slightest clue what I’d write about Isabella, but maybe about the role of women in law or women and the institution of marriage. Both are interesting concepts to consider in Christopher Marlowe’s Edward II, but that would mean that I have to look up my sources all over again and that would be such a bother…well okay no, the prof has listed a couple sources I could go to in regards to women and the legal scene during early modern times, but I’m not sure if those are specific to The Merry Wives of Windsor, the play that originally asked us to explore the role of Mistress Ford and Mistress Page in the context of women under the law at the time. Thank goodness I have some extension days left and a couple cancelled classes to deal with all this crap!

I’m also taking a non-major English class on detective fiction which has me wanting to marry a police officer, don’t ask, just over-exposure’s done that to me. This class is really weird and goes against all my training as an English major. I mean, come on, multiple choice tests asking which drink the detective had in like chapter two of the book?! Who does that?! This prof apparently. And then there’s the issue of a book review. I’ve never written one and am terrified that perhaps I’ve revealed too much or maybe I sound too boring. There’s just no winning, so I’m glad he suggested that we have a class in which we bring our pieces to class and have our peers edit it. But again, consider that this is a non-major class, so I’m not expecting a whole lot from my peers. However, I do have a friend in English who’s in that class who is reliable in editing my work. I hope I will get some valuable feedback out of this session, otherwise this class has been a complete waste of time. And I’ve never met a class that’s so repetitive in their questions. Does a five paragraph essay sound reasonable for something that is 750 words? Obviously not. Same goes for if it was a 50 000 word essay. WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE THESE?! *Sigh* Maybe I’m just being to high strung and anal, but whatever, venting helps.

And don’t even get me started on psychology, which was supposed to be my GPA booster option class. GAWD! The amount of effort I put into that class to get the crappy marks I’ve been getting makes me think I should have taken something else like a postcolonial literature class or even another law and society course instead of this or even philosophy now that I think about it. Nothing is easier than one of those classes. I mean, last semester my philosophy prof thought I was an absolute genius, even though I was writing up my papers the night before, something that you absolutely CANNOT do in English. It’s like English teachers have special essay vision and they know when you’ve written it and how much effort you put into because your mark is usually a very good reflection of that.

Then there is Art History. Like what the heck?! You couldn’t let me take Chinese Art History. Nope, gotta be Japanese. And then you give me a partially racist teacher, who does make the occasional funny joke, but otherwise rather rude, but paradoxically, is very nice in one to one meetings, very respectful of difference…so…I don’t know. This course, though she says isn’t about memorization, is all about memorization. Even when I met with the prof, she said remember the key images that we’ve done in this course. That means memorize the key images and their information in my brain, is this wrong? That’s honestly what happened in the last “quiz” which was actually not really a quiz because it was worth 25% the same as my midterm (crazy I know!). I memorized everything, but still managed to mess up. I remember after I handed in the test (of course, that’s how it always works out) that the period for the first question was Muromachi not Momoyama and that there was a year for the painting called Catching a Catfish with a Gourd (1413), but I put a period instead. With all that considered, I should get a pretty good mark. At least significantly better than what I got on the midterm.

Convocation isn’t that far away and I am stressed that I won’t know how to properly walk the stage, accept my degree, pin my robe, have my hat fall off and a whole list of horrible scenarios that could potentially happen. I hope that I can just watch my classmates and see what they do, following their lead. It is highly unlikely that I will be the first person called up, at least I hope that there will be a few people before me (I am the sixth letter of the alphabet…so…). I’m the kind of person who needs the information a few days ahead of time to process and practice in my head a couple times. I can’t do this the morning of. People ask me if I’m excited. To be honest, I’m terrified. Terrified of facing the real world. Terrified of getting another rejection letter from law school. There’s just so much to be scared about, but I keep telling myself just to take it one day at a time, just be calm and each day with take care of itself. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither am I. I can’t become a lawyer overnight, but with practice and time, I will fulfill that dream.

Which leads me to another point: driving school. I honest to God don’t give a sh*t about driving! I don’t understand what the big deal is?! It’s my life, my choice whether or not I decide to drive. Yes, I understand that in emergency situations it’s necessary that I know how to drive, but right now I’m a student who has no money and doesn’t want waste the money I don’t have learning how to drive, taking a test to drive when I don’t even want to, register a car I won’t use, pay for overpriced gas, park in an atrociously expensive parking lot while I’m going to school. I’m sorry, what part of this sounds exciting? Sure I’ll have more freedom, but at what price? My sanity? Possibly, but probably not that extreme. I have many pet peeves and one of them is people ridiculing or scolding me because I don’t have a drivers’ licence. Have you ever heard of minding your own business and keeping your damn opinions to yourself. While I’m on pet peeves, something else that annoys me is the question: “Are you Chinese?” followed by “Why can’t/don’t you speak Chinese?” Firstly, yes I am Chinese. Being Chinese is not a prerequisite for speaking Chinese, plus how many hundred dialects are there? If I said yes and started speaking my minority dialect with you, you wouldn’t understand a word I was saying. So, yes, I can speak Chinese, not fluently and not in a dialect you’d understand, so don’t ask if I’m Chinese. Secondly, mind your own business. If I choose not to speak Chinese, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do it. I have the choice not to. I can just as easily tell you to learn English. This is Canada, not China, so learn to speak the [swear word] language. If I move to Italy or France or Spain, I have to learn Italian, French or Spanish. It can’t be an ignorant twat and refuse to learn it because it’s “too hard.” I know this sounds harsh because there are people who really aren’t capable of learning English for academic or other reasons and I don’t blame those people. It’s the people who have the opportunity and time to further educate themselves that refuse to do so that annoy me. Like today, a Polish client came into my work place and was outraged that the signs were not in English and French, our official languages and that instead, Chinese was printed on them. He proceeded to yell in Polish and Spanish to get his point across stating, if Chinese was being printed on the sign, why weren’t the other languages? I would have to agree with him there. If English AND French are our official languages, we should make an effort to learn them. I find it utterly ridiculous that documents sent up to the Alberta government written in French has to be translated prior to submission. I mean, come on, French is our official language. I don’t care that you can’t all read French, but someone should be able to up there and they should be allowing those documents. We are being as exclusionary as Quebec can be at times…its not always fair. Life isn’t fair. Neither are my stress levels at this point. Oh well, at least I got to rant and get some of this stuff off my chest.

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