Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘why am I still in love with you?!’

Deserve

People say I deserve this
And I deserve that
That I deserve to be happy
And all my dreams to come true but I don’t believe that

I don’t deserve anything blindly
Everything is earned
Everything must be paid for
Everything has a price
Even love

I believe that things will come with time
But at the same time I don’t

Nothing was I’ve ever obtained from life came from waiting
Anything and everything I have is because I pursued it
Chased it
Grabbed it
And made it mine

For everything that I am
For everything that I’ve done
It’s easy to say that I deserve to be happy
To be in love
To have everything I ever want

But how do I stop loving someone who has been my whole world?
How do I turn off the pain?
I never learned what it is not to chase my dreams
You were my dreams

Together we became broken
But I don’t know how to walk away
Because I was always taught to fix what I could
To salvage and work through every problem I ever had
Not to throw away
To abandon
What could not be

I don’t know what it means to give up
To walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me
To file away the emotions
To forget everything we’ve been through

You’ve left me heartless
A hole remains
Hollow and cold
Leaving behind nothing but pain

Now I know what it is when someone makes time for you
Makes an effort to be in your life
Instead of making excuses

You’re more of a man than you might think
You’ve done everything right in my eyes
You’ve showed me that not all men will hurt me
You’ve showed me that there is hope
Hope that the sand that my heart has become
Will one day turn to glass
Become whole again
When that someone comes along
But can it be
That dust and sand
Can once again
Become a beating human heart?

When I showed you who I really was
The darkness beneath the light
The insanity hidden by this mask
You still stayed
Despite the ups and downs I forced you through
You loved me
For who I was
Held me close
And told me that it would be ok
Because you were there
That you would always be there to face the world with me

I can’t help but think
That no one else in the world would put up with me
Would accept me for who I truly am
That I will spend my life hiding behind that mask
Pretending to be someone I’m not
Because who could love an unpredictable monster
Such as me

No one could handle me at my worst
I’m a hurricane that displaces
I’m an earthquake that divides

I want to ask you
Do you know what it feels like
To be so filled with dread that your blood runs cold
When you wake in the middle of the night
Fighting
Struggling against the demons fighting for what’s left of your heart
Squeezing it
And turning the already minute particles
Into their respective atoms

I’m so glad to have had you in my life
To have filled me with so much joy
And so much pain
Maybe if I didn’t care so much
It would hurt as badly
I do not regret loving you
It is better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all

Time will not heal all wounds
It only dulls the pain
But one day
I will raise my head high
I will look across the world
And I will remember
You loved me
And I survived

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Don’t Feed the Dragon

It started as a spark
Which was blown into a flame

It started as an idea
That turned into an obsession

I never used to like you
At least not in this way

You were something special
That I will admit

The words were not mine
But soon became an echo
Guiding all my actions

I am nothing
Without the world around me

I am a judge
Too easily influenced

First impressions are everything
First impressions are easily swayed

I started talking more about you
Spurred on by their encouragement

Now you’re a permanent feature
Fixtured in my mind

I can’t sleep
Eat
Write
Or breathe
Without thinking of you

Each day I tell myself to forget
Each night you come back to me

I can’t stand this anymore
I can’t keep dreaming of what can never be

I’m sick of writing poetry
That will never capture this conflict

You make me shake
As though I don’t have enough sugar in my bloodstream to sustain me
You cause heart palpitations
As though there is something I have to fear

I can’t take this anymore
I can’t stop this flood of feelings
Why did they feed the dragon?

Love’s Pain Misunderstood

You will never know or understand how much you hurt me
Never in my life has my heart ached this much

Please just let me go
I don’t want to keep chasing this dream
To keep chasing this shadow suspended on dust

I’m still writing poetry
And dreaming of you

And though you still make me happy
The happiness is short lived
Because I know
That you do not prefer me

The realist fights the idealist
The idealist wants to win
Wants to disregard the realist
The idealist has always been stronger
Hope has always been stronger
But the realist is right

The idealist only prevails in the realm of my imagination
Only there are stories born
The realist has always been second
Until now

When it comes to love
The idealist leads
But the realist governs

There are still questions in my mind
I know I cannot love you
But yet I still do
My heart goes against all reason
My mind wants us to be friends
I don’t want you to misunderstand

You make me over think
Every action I wish to take
My intentions are pure
Untainted by experience
But I know how human nature works
I know how my mind works
And I am afraid you will think my intentions wrong

A simple question
The want to have lunch
Or a coffee
Or maybe frozen yogurt

Maybe it’s just easier if you read this poem
Maybe I should just write you a poem

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