Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘why am I like this’


Every glance
Every smile
Every gilded touch

Every moment
Every whisper
She steals away from you

Beside her
I feel

A face that could launch a thousand ships
A smile that could start a war

She has it all
And I?
I have nothing
I am no one

You promise me
You love me
And forever

But how
When human nature
Is so fickle
Can you promise such grandeur?

What does it feel like
To trust someone so completely
To give in
To surrender all defences
To believe

Too long have I known
The transient nature of love

I will never be good enough
I never have been

Like smoke
Flitting through my fingers
You are gone
Like so many before you
And I am alone again
Just as it’s always been

Empty promises
And fruitless dreams

You’re just another liar
Whom I’ve let in

Break down my defences
Enter through the gates
Trick me into trust
And wreak havoc on my heart

How I never learn
Is truly beyond me

One day I truly hope
I’ll learn to love myself

Double Standards

This morning I was reading an article in an older copy of the Calgary Sun. I’m not sure which day it was for, but it got me thinking. Just because I’ve graduated from university doesn’t mean I can turn off my critical thinking abilities. Now I make that sound like I was any good at literary analysis and I wasn’t. Compared to some of my peers, I didn’t even come close to their level in critical analysis. The article was talking about how a lot of women had one night stands like men. As the author of the article pointed out, it is problematic that women are being compared to men. It’s men who can have one night stands. Men who are sexually experienced are viewed positively, when women who are sexually experienced are called a variety of detrimental terms. This article cites a study that shows that women enjoy these kinds of relationships because they don’t have to worry about their obligations and since they’re only seeing these guys once or while on vacation, they don’t run the risk of “ruining” their reputation.

Not too long ago in a short story I wrote, I asked myself why I couldn’t live the way I wrote. At that time, I myself could not answer that. In an early moment of genius, I can now say that the person I am, the one I put on display for the world to see, is in fact a meticulous social construction, embodying the patriarchal values and ideals that I’ve been taught to question. But why? Why would I embody and perpetuate the injustices to my gender, my sex if I knew? Why do victims bond to their captors? For survival. In order to survive in a patriarchal society, I have to “blend in.” Again, you may ask why and though I don’t know for sure, I can take a stab at it. As much as I’m against injustice (for I do intend on becoming a lawyer and eventually a judge), I’m not one who likes to stir up shit. For much of my childhood, it was just the acceptance of what I was told to do because I was being told by someone in a position of authority. That is still very much my mentality. On the front, I appear to be very compliant, but it is in my writing that I rebel against what I am told. This is when my voice is strongest.

However, as I’ve matured, I have started to care less about what people think of me and I’ve begun to do the things I believe in. I hope that one day I will find my voice beyond the page.

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