Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Posts tagged ‘I still love you’

Deserve

People say I deserve this
And I deserve that
That I deserve to be happy
And all my dreams to come true but I don’t believe that

I don’t deserve anything blindly
Everything is earned
Everything must be paid for
Everything has a price
Even love

I believe that things will come with time
But at the same time I don’t

Nothing was I’ve ever obtained from life came from waiting
Anything and everything I have is because I pursued it
Chased it
Grabbed it
And made it mine

For everything that I am
For everything that I’ve done
It’s easy to say that I deserve to be happy
To be in love
To have everything I ever want

But how do I stop loving someone who has been my whole world?
How do I turn off the pain?
I never learned what it is not to chase my dreams
You were my dreams

Together we became broken
But I don’t know how to walk away
Because I was always taught to fix what I could
To salvage and work through every problem I ever had
Not to throw away
To abandon
What could not be

I don’t know what it means to give up
To walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me
To file away the emotions
To forget everything we’ve been through

You’ve left me heartless
A hole remains
Hollow and cold
Leaving behind nothing but pain

Now I know what it is when someone makes time for you
Makes an effort to be in your life
Instead of making excuses

You’re more of a man than you might think
You’ve done everything right in my eyes
You’ve showed me that not all men will hurt me
You’ve showed me that there is hope
Hope that the sand that my heart has become
Will one day turn to glass
Become whole again
When that someone comes along
But can it be
That dust and sand
Can once again
Become a beating human heart?

When I showed you who I really was
The darkness beneath the light
The insanity hidden by this mask
You still stayed
Despite the ups and downs I forced you through
You loved me
For who I was
Held me close
And told me that it would be ok
Because you were there
That you would always be there to face the world with me

I can’t help but think
That no one else in the world would put up with me
Would accept me for who I truly am
That I will spend my life hiding behind that mask
Pretending to be someone I’m not
Because who could love an unpredictable monster
Such as me

No one could handle me at my worst
I’m a hurricane that displaces
I’m an earthquake that divides

I want to ask you
Do you know what it feels like
To be so filled with dread that your blood runs cold
When you wake in the middle of the night
Fighting
Struggling against the demons fighting for what’s left of your heart
Squeezing it
And turning the already minute particles
Into their respective atoms

I’m so glad to have had you in my life
To have filled me with so much joy
And so much pain
Maybe if I didn’t care so much
It would hurt as badly
I do not regret loving you
It is better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all

Time will not heal all wounds
It only dulls the pain
But one day
I will raise my head high
I will look across the world
And I will remember
You loved me
And I survived

Perpetuity

For once I wish I wasn’t right
The wounds are still fresh
And though I want what’s best for you
My heart isn’t ready for you to fall in love with someone else so soon

You will always hold a part of me
The part that I’ve give you
The part that will always be yours
That piece is your piece alone
No one can take that away
From me
Or from you

I still hear your voice before I fall asleep each night
I still hear you saying to me
“See, I still love you.”

But do you?
Did you?

You couldn’t see the signs I saw
And I always took you to be a better man
Hell, I still believe in that
But to drop me like I meant nothing
To pursue her so soon after
I really was nothing

At the end
In the end
You weren’t there emotionally anymore

I could feel that I didn’t mean as much to you
You didn’t look as me like I was gold
Not anymore
I wasn’t the only girl in the world
I was just yesterday’s garbage

Nobody
And nobody would notice
If I were to slip away
Quietly
Slowly

For a world doesn’t need me
A girl with too many tears
A heart shattered to sand
Blowing away in the wind

Logic and reason keep telling me you’re not right for me
My heart remains unconvinced
So I fight back the tears
But like a dam
They cannot be stopped

But I am also strong
I am also the girl who will prove to the world she doesn’t need anyone but herself
And forever I’ll wear this mask
And tell the lie
That I’m always fine

How often I’ve wanted to scream out
To shout
I’m not fine
I can’t do this
I can’t take it anymore
This is the end

But how do you stop
When all your life you’ve maintained this facade?
Worn a mask
And slipped into a body suit of the perfect girl with a perfect life

One thing is for certain
I will love you no matter what
And if I have to sacrifice my happiness
If I have to watch you love someone else
If I have to suffer through eons of pain
I’ll do that for you
Because even if you can’t or don’t love me back
My feelings will never change
You will always be someone I care for
You will always be special

And nothing in the world will ever change that.

 

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