Reader. Writer. Romantic.

Today I read an article about when you break up with someone you never officially dated and immediately related to it. I mean, considering the state of our society today, where hook ups are as common as breathing (thanks to Tinder and those kinds of apps) and friends with benefits are just another type of friend to acquire, I wasn’t surprised that I too had been a part of one.

We all have our own reasons for entering into these kinds of relationships. For me in particular, i have commitment issues. Though it’s my ultimate dream to be married and have a family and stuff like that, it’s hard for me to open because of what’s happened in the past. I’m typically a very sensitive person, so the slightest thing has the biggest effects on me. I guess it’s not so much commitment issues as trust issues. A relationship should be built on trust, but I still remember the first time I confessed my love for someone in junior high and he laughed in my face. It hurt so much, but we kept in touch because of the mutual benefits we could reap from one another (I know this was the case because after we graduated from high school we didn’t talk to each other again for another two to three years).

This year I met someone that I had feelings for in high school (not the same guy as above who laughed in my face). I had no idea that we were so compatible in so many ways. We had a lot of similarities in terms of world views and how to raise a family and the same weird tastes, but the one thing that was dissimilar was our work ethic. He was…I don’t want to say lazy, but lazy and it was something I couldn’t stand. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was my equal, not someone I would have to mother. It was then I knew I couldn’t pursue as serious relationship with him and opted for a less than traditional relationship. I mean, for one, he was already in a relationship, but he hated the girl he was with. He confided in me and we would have intellectual exchanges that he couldn’t have with his girlfriend. I felt bad at times because I know how I’d feel if the person I loved was seeing someone else because i couldn’t provide him with the things that he needed.

What I didn’t expect was how much it would hurt when we decided to break it off. Unlike a traditional relationship, there’s no saying “ok, we’re over.” It just stopped. It went from texting and calling for twelve to fourteen hours a day to once in a few days and then now, it’s been weeks…Sometimes, when I think about it, it hurts as much as if I had been in a serious relationship because I did give up a part of myself. To be able to disconnect like he did, I do envy that, but would that make me as cold and as unfeeling as this world in which we now live? I refuse to let this world make me insensitive and hard.

I have no problem waiting for the right one. But having never been in a relationship before, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I can’t be perfect…I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again. I’m afraid that my head will ruin my heart. All I know is that when I find the right one, my heart won’t be pounding, I will be calm and at peace. And I know that I will love them with my everything.

Prompted by this article: http://hellogiggles.com/break-up-never-officially-dating/

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